Mother to Son by Langston Hughes

Langston Hughes and his mother

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

Self R-E-S-P-E-C-T

        I can hear the blaring trumpets now, the tambourines, the guitars, and of course the percussion.  With these instruments passionately manipulated in a lovely and soulful sound, alls I do is wait to hear my girl Aretha sing and I'm instantly thrusted back in time.  Though this is suppose to be a love ballad, I'm instantly reminded of the respect my people demanded back in the 60s, but I can more vividly see the berets and leather jackets of the controversial Black Panther Party. And if you ask me, the only reason why the Black Panther Party is so controversial is because their image was distorted by the government and the FBI invited ignorance and betrayal into the mix.  But who am I to determine this...lol wink-wink.
        Back to the love aspect of the song.  When Aretha is singing you can hear her deep desire to be loved, as I want to be loved by someone, but then you hear that even louder desire to be respected.  Love and Respect is the key to a long-lasting, happy and healthy relationship with someone else.  But can it have the same results when there is no one else involved? You know, loving and respecting You!  Loving and Respecting Me!  Yeah, the answer may seem obvious to many, maybe it's obvious to me as well, but still, there is that question asking "how do I get there?"  You know, "how do I get to a place where I can say with complete and utter honesty that I love and respect Me before anyone else?"
        I'm no psychiatrist or self-love expert because I'm dealing with self-esteem issues of my own.  You know, I've been beating myself up about things that might not even exist for so many years that it's so hard to stop!  Even on days when I actually feel pretty, I just make things up to just make myself feel so low so that I'm not disappointed when other people don't think the same way.  I degrade myself in my own way, I undermine the amazing things that make me well...Me!  I don't support myself in the decisions that I make, and most definitely, I don't treat myself with the same respect that I would treat those around me.  Isn't that wrong? Isn't it?
        It may seem so wrong to you, but to me it's the norm...it's my life.  But the thing is, this can change.  I don't expect things to change instantly, but with some much needed self-tender love-and-care, I'll get there.  And you know what? I've already started my journey.
        Since the beginning of this year, I've been asking the question: "who am I, really?"  Then over time I realized, there is no one word to describe me.   Actually, there is no one word to describe anyone in this world because we are all three-deminitial people!  Even when we become professionals or college graduates, our occupations don't make up every last fiber of our existence in this world; it's merely just a piece of who we are.  Our dreams, our passions, our love, our faults, our talents, among many other things, this including our service make up who we are.   And that's the thing that I've recently come across that completely blew my mind for some reason...our service makes up a piece who we are.
        I have no idea why I didn't think of that, but leave it to Oprah to show me the light.  I just watched the commencement speech she gave at Spelman College in Atlanta, Georgia and that couldn't have shined a brighter light in my sky.  Lately I've just been worried about the fact that I have nothing to do because I know no one, and my goal when I get back to school is not only to do well, but to get more friends so that my phone wouldn't be so dry.  But how many friends I have shouldn't determine my happiness because knowing a lot of people won't matter when it comes to those blessings that you'll one day receive, but what you have done with your life. I have just opened my eyes to the fact that I'm so lucky that at such a young age, I know EXACTLY what I want my service to this world to be and I also have a vision of where I want to go, though I don't yet know exactly what path I'm going to take to get there.  I'll get there the way I was intended to get there.
        Another thing that got me was when Oprah said to "make sure you surround yourself with people that will overflow your cup and once your cup has overflowed, you need to stop giving your gallon sized offerings to pint sized people."  I instantly thought about my friends, especially the ones that I have at Howard.  I mentioned in my last post how they want to see me accomplish so much and I wish the same for them, and I know that with the friends that I have chosen overflow my cup.  And I do love them dearly! Then there are the pint sized people that have come in and out of my life that have made me doubt my worth, who I am, and whether or not I was amazing.  At first I didn't know that they were considered pint-sized people because they didn't do me good, but know I'm definitely going to start using the phrase because it helps remind me that there is nothing wrong with me, it's just that there are a lot of people out there that don't want to see me grow and mature.  And as Oprah referenced to The Color Purple, specifically a quote from Celi "whatever you don' to me already been don' to you."  I've always been so caught up in revenge, proving people wrong, and with grudges, I now am going to start the process of getting over things and people knowing that karma ALWAYS-ALWAYS comes back at people that have hurt you.
        Lastly, Oprah stressed that we should ALWAYS "DO THE RIGHT THING".  This made me look back on how involved I've been on different issues back at school and I know that those were the right things to do.  Then I shall also admit that I don't always do the right things, but who does? But now is the time to start.  I'm determined to start and we all should be because as she said, good things WILL come our way, and who doesn't want that?  Plus it does the heart good to do something good.
       So am I now at a place where I can say with complete and utter honesty that I love and respect myself ? Nope, but because of what I have just learned, I can say with complete and utter honesty that I am a few steps closer because I am now content with the fact that I am me, I was made this way for a reason, I was made to have these struggles because struggles make you a better person.  God wanted me to learn and no matter how long it will take, I know that he's determined to help guide me to happiness, but first I must be willing to walk with him on this journey.  I am Blackness! I was given all of these traits, features, personality faults and boosters for a reason and I trust that God knew what he was doing when he created me and gave me to my wonderful family.  So self R-E-S-P-E-C-T, I'm not too far away!

A New Perspective

        I can't count how many times I've tried to start a blog post just complaining about how boring my summer, but I end up never finishing.   I'm still going to do some complaining, but all in good reason... I hope.  Ok. So here we go.
        I still can't fathom the fact that I have just finished my first year at college!  It was an experience that I will never forget and cherish for the rest of my life.  At the same time, there are MANY mistakes that I made and I'm still dealing with the consequences of those mistakes, even though I'm trying hard to recover from them to this day.
        My first semester was definitely Bad, yes, capital "B" included and though I recovered in the second semester, I still can't get over it.  The few people that know what my grade-point-average was in the first semester tell me the same thing, "oh it was your first time being away from home and you just had to get use to things."  While that is partially true, I also had the misfortune of getting my heartbroken which did not do my well in most of my classes.  With this, I still see myself as a failure and for the longest time thought that no matter how great I would do in the future, the failure would haunt me and give me a disadvantage.  In a way it can.  In a way, it might, but it DEFINITELY doesn't mean that I have to fail again!
        Recently, a Yale graduate named Marina Keegan died in a car accident days after her graduation.  She was young, talented, and was definitely going places.   The thing that struck me the most about her was that she was a writer just like I am!  And though we were at different stages of our lives, different ages, different schools, different races, that one simple passion for writing is why I feel we are connected. So I was compelled to read some of her work and when I did, it immediately motivated me. She wrote:

        "What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it’s too late to do anything is comical. It’s hilarious. We’re graduating college. We’re so young. We can’t, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it’s all we have."-- "The Opposite of Loneliness" by Marina Keegan

        The sense of possibilities? The Sense of Possibilities...she said that's all we have...and she's right!  I came home so focused on getting revenge on a love, which did nothing but drag me in and out of a deep depression.  I came home thinking that things were going to be different when it came to having a social life, but that only made me feel the lowest I've felt in a long time!  Now who is Blackness?  Blackness doesn't have a million friends, but she also doesn't have drama.  One of the most important things though is that the small group of friends that I have care about me and love me!  We've literally been through thick and thin! And I know that they want me to be successful just as I want them to be!  And no number can substitute the love and support I need from my friends!
        With the revenge on love thing.  I've come to the same conclusion that I had to come to not too long ago:YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEBODY LIKE YOU!!!!!!! No matter what you do, no matter what you say, if somebody doesn't like you at the time, then that's just it; you can't change people! I can't change people! So why am I wasting time?!  Why am I letting this consume me and obscure my purpose?!  This summer, I'm working really hard to love Me over him!  I'm choosing to love me and respect me the way I love and respect him, more than I love and respect him!  Because see, I'm young and it's not too late to start over!  It's NOT too late to make myself happy by loving myself and working hard to get what I want and what I deserve!  IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
        The summer is not over, and I still have a lot of work to do!  Thank you Marina Keegan for helping me to realize this!
Peace & Love,
                               Blackness

Nothin' On You

You know, sometimes it's funny when you watch television and it can give you some of the advice that you've needed for so long.  All the time I stumble upon things I just have an urge to see, though that may sound super and utterly crazy, but every single time I have this urge to watch something it gives me this piece of moral advice that I need to continue on.  Like today, I decided to catch up on that new abc show "Scandal" starring my hero, Kerry Washington.   On the premiere episode she was trying to convince her friend that he should propose to his girlfriend.  Scared, he asked her the question, "what if she leaves me?"  Kerry's character, Olivia, responded (not in the exact wording), "if it doesn't work out then that's it, but if you put your all into something then it's not on you."  So I began to smile because she is absolutely right!  If I just put my all into everything I do, if I don't do well then I am not the blame.  I can't be the blame because I put my ABSOLUTE BEST into it!  And this is what I have been missing!  These are the words that I have needed to hear for so long!  Thank you Olivia Pope!  And now I am a huge fan of this show! (Not just because of this ephipany that it has forced me to come to, but because it's actually a really awesome show and I really want to be like Olivia!  I want to work as hard as her! She's even relatable in many ways!)
     For the past week, I really began to think about whether or not I was really over  Andrew and until last week I realized that I wasn't.  I was just hiding behind those lingering pains that kept me, and keeps me from mentioning his name, those pains that made my heart race and my stomach drop every time I saw him around campus, those pains that made me keep his number in my phone until it was deleted just a few days ago, and those pains that made me look at the girl he might now be interested in and say mean things about her though I don't know her.  So I took many many days to just sit up and think about everything, and I can now say that I am finally at a place where I can say that I AM OVER IT!  Heartbreak hurts like hell, but when you emerge, you're bigger and better than ever!  Trust me, I know!
     With my freshman year at college ending, I can now look back on the things that have happened to me and just learn from them. (Which I won't do until the next article.)  But in just about a little more than two weeks I will be back at home with the people I love/that drive me crazy, but it will be home.  I love Howard University and Washington D.C., but home is home...there's nothing like it.  As of right now, with the little time I do have left at school for the semester, I am at a point in my life where I am tired of being disappointed in myself! I'm tired of being afraid to step out of this shell that I have around me! I am tired of not loving me! I'm tired of everything!  So with this advice from Olivia Pope I'm going to step out and do what I have to do because it feels so much better to fail at something you worked your butt off to accomplish than something you really wanted, but didn't try your ABSOLUTE BEST to attain!  I understand that this may sound a bit twisted, but that's how it is.  So now it's time for this sistah to take charge of her life and it's time for her to do her ABSOLUTE BEST!

Oh Valentine!

This year's Valentine's Day was going to be a lot different than previous years, boyfriend or not.  I'm on my own now...away at college, and just for that fact alone, I knew my Valentine's Day would be something to remember. Then when the day came, it was just another ordinary day, but it did have a different feeling to it.  I mean, I was a lot happier than I usually am, and the thought of me not having some boy to share that day with really didn't faze me like it has before.  I'm actually kinda happy that I didn't have a boyfriend because I'm a very simple person.  Furthermore, as long as I have family and friends that I'm in love with, and that are in love with me, all around me, I'm fine with just that presence of love.  Ya feel me?
I was actually struck by several instances of luck where two of my classes were cancelled, and I just had one class at 5:10 pm to go to, but I will admit that I decided at the last minute to skip that one.  The number one thing though was the package that my mother sent me.  It was full of treats, including Malley's Chocolate, which is an Ohio delicacy, and of course I will add in there that my grandmother got me some deodorant lol.  Recently, my mother had surgery on her knee, and she sounds so adorable all doped up.  So I decided that I might send her a Valentine's Day gift.  I bought her some chocolate covered strawberries from Edible Arrangements, and had them delivered to the house.  O, how I wish I could have seen her face when she opened the door!  She did call me and tell me that I was goofy, but she deserves it.  She has been doing everything she can to keep me in school, and a very important note...I have NO scholarships what so ever, and I probably have a crap load of loans to pay off as soon as 2015 comes around.  But I just wanted to let her know that I appreciate everything that she has been doing to keep me in school, and I kind of hesitated to press the button to summit the order, but I eventually did.  The biggest reason why I was hesitant was that I was wondering if something would go wrong to where she would not receive the gift that I payed $50 for.  But they delivered it to her a lot earlier than I thought they would considering it was Valentine's Day and I ordered it at the last minute.
She loved it and was appreciative, so that's all that matters.
I sweat, I love my family and friends!  They're so special to me till the point where romance is just an addition to the love of people that I already know.  I appreciate them because without their love and without all of their help, especially as I transition into adulthood, I would not be in the place that I am right now!  And I genuinely believe that.  I was going out of my mind last semester over a guy who didn't feel that I was important, or full of worth and I let him take apart of me that I shall never be able to give back.  He was my every thought, the reason I cried, the reason I couldn't focus, but I'm in a REALLY AWESOME place right now because I came to that realization and have accepted it.  He was a life lesson, not a life friend, and at the moment, I'm not looking to continue communication with him and have taken those steps to get him out of my system. So romance, though it just doesn't look the same, I still believe it can happen for me one day, but for right now, I don't need to have anything to do with it.  I'll watch it in movies, but there is so much more I have to do in my own life before I can except it in reality.
So, yup, I'm moving on.  I'm most importantly, MOVING UP!  So look out, brothas and sistahs 'cause I'm focused on Revolution!

PeACE!

Moving On

The first few weeks of class have commenced and for some reason it's still hard to get over the mistakes I made in the first semester.  I use to be stubborn and blame everyone but myself for the decisions that I made, but I've grown since then; I take responsibility.  I know it was my decision to let curiosity get the best of me.  I know it was me that let my emotions get the best of me and my grades.  I know that there are things about my mentality that I need to work on.  I know these things, and I'm taking responsibility for my part in all of them.  But dealing with the consequences is the worst part.  I came into this second semester DETERMINED to get through the pain and the disappointment, but the past just always has to come back and haunt me.
  It is Howard University policy to go into a retention program if you have a certain GPA, a number that I even hate to think about, but it's there no matter how far I try to run from it.  Every day I feel shame for a problem that had resulted from a personal matter that I was going through.  Now I have to face the music. Now I have to deal with it face-to-face even though I'm always determined not to deal with it so directly, but just to forget about it by succeeding this second semester where I failed in the first.  So, the thought of having to be the one with those low scores while all of my friends celebrate their achievements is just so heavy on me right now.  Still, I'm trying with all my might to find the strength in me to not be so hard on myself.
  When Hill Harper told me that I shouldn't be hard on myself, I took the time to think about what that really meant, and how that could really be done.  So I thought for a while, and realized that I don't always give myself any leeway for making human mistakes that others make!  I always fall a blind eye to the fact that I'm not the only person that has dealt with some of the problems that I have, and I'm not the only one who thinks the things that I think and college has really opened my mind to that! Even the girls that always seem like their perfect and pretty by wearing barely any clothes, you know the ones that get all the guys, they are dealing with some demons, but they hide it deep within them.  Back to the subject though.  I can't be so hard on myself because of what I went through in that first semester.  I've taken responsibility, now is my time to take responsibility in making it right!
  There is something else that I have to take responsibility for, and that's my success!  I am here at Howard University, one of the best HBCUs in the country!  I got here because I was determined to settle for nothing less than the best!  If you saw my grades from my freshman year of high school, you would not believe that I would have ever been able to get into Howard!  You would not of been able to imagine me graduating from high school Magna Cum Laude!  You would not of been able to see me being honored at the Cleveland NAACP Freedom Fund dinner for receiving the Carl Stokes Scholarship!  But despite starting from the bottom, I've climbed my way to the top because I was determined to have my dreams come true!  I was determined to never settle for anything below excellent!  So what makes college any different?!
  I started this second semester with a goal, and that was to make sure that I got nothing lower than a 3.5, and I was doing very well at that!  Then it happened...I fell off as most people do.  So these last two weeks have been fairly stressful, but I shall make no excuses because excuses are not going to get me to my goals!  I have been afforded some awesome opportunities!  For instance, I've been given an executive position with the Howard University NAACP! (The only freshman on the executive board!)  I have been offered a job at Founder's Library because of my love for history!  And I am proud of myself, and I need to remember that I can't runaway from myself! I'm stuck with myself and I can't be so hard on myself because I fell off for a second!  So, I need to stop yelling at me and just get back to work!  So this weekend is going to be spent getting back on track, and rewarding myself for the work that I've been trying to put in.  Also I'm going to work on the things that have been threatening to hold me back because I can't and WON'T let anything, or anyone stop me!...not even myself....

So...Peace & Love <3