You know, it really resinated with me when Chrisette Michele had the nerve to say, "I'd rather play alone. (Oh, I can't be a fool anymore) No. (I don't need a game anymore) You can play the fool yeah. (I'm gon' play my HERO, you gon' be a zero)." The mere concept of me being a hero for myself seemed so foreign before I heard this line and I am grateful that it made its way into my head, which is known to be a complex and complicated space to dwell in. At some point in your life, you just have to be tired of relying on someone else to come and save you because that won't always be the case. You have to be ready and willing to be your own best friend, you have to be ready and willing to be that person you KNOW you can depend on, you have to be ready and willing to be that person you can trust with your most vulnerable secrets, you have to be ready and willing to be that person who believes in you the most, and you have to be ready willing to be that person that loves and accepts you NO MATTER WHAT! These things have become very important to me. It's a bit of a challenge to get use to after so many years of depending on superheroes that never came, and that nonetheless were never even super, but you know, I'm truly growing up. I'm proud of that.
It has been a long time since I have made a new post and Lord knows that I have tried to start something, but I would never finish. It was either I was becoming too busy or because I felt like it was not the right time to do a post, but I feel in my heart that this is the right time. I feel it deeply that the things that I have experienced in these past few months has lead me to this moment and this awakening. It bites to have these feelings, but at the same time, I'm more empowered than ever. And though it can be a scary thing for a sistah like me to have to do what is best for me, I am more willing now than ever to do so and like they say, "the only way to get better is to do better." And if you're tired of being down, tired of stressing out and over thinking, you need to do what you have to do to change that.
"Hit the highway. Call you a cab, give me back my keys. Goodbye to baggage, you ain't baggin' me. I'm gonna smile when I wave. (Goodbye-Goodbye) I can take the low road. Ain't got no pride, I ain't puttin' up a fight. Get out the boxin' ring, it's T.K.O tonight. Walk that way. I'd rather play alone…"
One thing I can say that I felt I could not say in previous semesters is that, I'm happier this time around. I feel more empowered this time around because so many things have opened up my eyes and made me see so much. Now it's my time to decide whether or not I'm going to face reality and do what I have to do. What I have learned from dealing with the situations that I have dealt with and looking back on the things that have caused me pain in the past is that I always end up being fine in the end. In the past I have been consumed with fears over losing people that were not sweating over losing me, and even these days it can be a bit of a tough thing to think about letting someone go. But I trust that they are being taken out of my life for a reason and I know that I will get over it.
Because of my lack of success in the romance department I am starting to grow in different ways. Also with a combination of my growing self-esteem, I realize that I know I will make a great girlfriend and what not to someone. I do take a genuine interest in things, even if I don't really have any prior knowledge of it, I am a great listener, I am accepting and allow people to be who they are, I am understanding, and even if I don't know you well yet, I am caring and don't like it when other people are down. But for some reason, a lot of guys can't appreciate that and just leave me hanging and I am at the point where I'm not even blaming myself for the rejection that I sometimes face. I have grown to believe that these guys can't do better and essentially don't. A lot of them would rather have someone that are impressed by materialistic things, someone to twerk on them at parties and show off a lot of skin. That's not me and that will never be me. I swear, I am too mature for these guys and I am starting to really believe that they know that I'm too good for them.
I don't want to sound conceited and make you think that I believe I am the best thing poppin'. I still have a long way to go before I am where I want to be, but I am at a place where I truly believe that I am deserving of something better than what I settle for. I know that I am not ready to settle down with the love of my life yet, but I want to change the outcomes that cause me so much pain by eliminating those factors that always get me back to where I was before: *Keisha Cole Voice* "So sad and lonely." So I have made some changes and am sticking to them! Ya hurd?! Things that I am starting to do is trusting the process, thanking God more and praying more.
Trusting the Process- I use to hate it when I would hit it off with somebody and then all of a sudden, they wouldn't call or text me anymore. It's still a bit of a hard pill to swallow when someone you thought you would become close with just stops trying to be close to you. I use to make up things that would place the blame on me because I thought that maybe there was something I could do to change that, but now that I'm thinking about it…there is nothing anyone can do. You cannot force another human being to love you, to want to be with you, to hang out with you, to notice you, care about you, or see that they can be happy with you. That is something they must see themselves. If they cannot see that you are the shit, then that's their problem, not yours. You showed them your best face, followed through, continued to show interest and they just stop texting or responding to you out of nowhere?…oh well. I would rather not be bothered with someone that doesn't want to be bothered with me. And it's disappointing when that happens, but I've been starting to get less and less afraid of losing people that have clearly no interest in a future with me. I know there will be better in the future. And I'm pretty sure the man that finally comes into my life that I finally feel I'm ready to settle down with will be pretty freakin' awesome…he will have to be You Know!
Thanking God and Praying More-I am not religious in any way, but I am spiritual in my own way. I am someone that believes that God does exist, but he is also what you make him to be. Some people who are religious believes that he does not care too much about those that are not affiliated with a denomination, but the God I am getting to know does not mind at all. But that is a whole other discussion in itself. The main point I am trying to get at is that I am starting to really finally build a relationship with him and not just pray about the things I want, but thank him for what I have. I know at times I can think that my world is over about what many would believe to be trivial happenings in a young woman's life. So I have to remind myself that I have my health, I am at one of the best HBCUs in the country, my family is healthy, I have great friends and people do love and appreciate me even though there are others that can walk out on me without a second thought. I thank him for each morning I am allowed to see and for those moments where I get extremely lucky and know that it couldn't be anything else, but a blessing. I feel great when I show my appreciation for all of my blessings. Then there are times when things get very very tough and I feel that there is no way to turn. So I pray to God and ask him to help me find clarity when I feel the fog is too thick. I pray that he gives me the strength to carry on when I feel things are impossible and I sometimes pray that he helps remind me of my blessings. Doing these things and starting the process of really trusting him is helping me come to terms with a lot of things, while at the same time reminding me that there is better for me out here.
"We play the game until we lose. Better to leave ya before I do. I'd rather say, I loved a cheater and be a quitter. I'm still a winner." Chrisette Michele says something very important here. Sometimes you have to quit to win. Also, it's all right to quit if you gave your best and that still wasn't enough because keeping yourself in something unhealthy will never do you any good. Instead of pondering on the things that you feel make you inadequate, remember that you are NEVER inadequate. If someone is not afraid of losing you, then you shouldn't be afraid of losing them! And something that I am growing to learn is that you can never chase away someone by being who you really are if they really want to be with you. So never sweat over someone that cannot accept you for who you are and be your own hero. You don't need someone to complete you; you should complete you. You should be the best you you can be and the rest will follow. Success, happiness and even romance will follow.
PeACe,
Blackness
