Food For Thought

You ever have those moments where things that you have been living with for years start to all of a sudden look different?  I've been having a lot of those moments in 2014 and though it sometimes scares me, I am more often than not delighted by this second sight.  Over the summer, I started to see someone that I have known for years in a different way and that happened out of nowhere.  You know? One moment you are laughing with someone you have known for most of your life and wanting to be with them, then out of nowhere you realize that you've outgrown them.  I also had that same realization a few times with a few other people this school year, you know, there were guys that treated me the way I had always wanted guys to treat me, yet that didn't allow me to overlook the bigger picture so I did what a "big girl" does and I let them go.  But this recent eye opening event was beyond what I've experienced before.
        The other day, tears fell from my eyes as I imagined waking up and not being able to see the Washington Monument from my window, or hear that VERY loud ambulance siren, and most importantly not be able to be at Howard University.  If you have ever attended an HBCU you know that financial aid is probably the biggest struggle and as things are not great financially for me and my family, this year my mom opted not to get a loan.  I was awarded a $3,000 scholarship for the year, loans that I will be paying off until I die and yet in the end, I still had a very high balance that is keeping me from registering for classes.  I am in the final stretch of my college career.  After two more semesters I will have accomplished the biggest and best thing in my life so far, getting my college degree, and I can't imagine getting my degree anywhere else.
        For a few hours, my head throbbed in frustration and my heart broke in pain as I had to contemplate the real reality that I may not be able to afford to finish my college career, at Howard anyway.  It was a seriously scary thought.  You see, a few weeks ago when I was out in DC with a friend of mine, he asked me if I won the lottery, would I still go to college.  I told him I would.  He thought I was crazy, but I honestly and truthfully would not want to miss out on the experiences that I have had at college.  I have grown beyond anything I would have imagined and I have learned things and done things that I have been so blessed to have had an opportunity to do.  Right now I am even writing for my school's newspaper, a dream of mine even before I came to Howard.  I mean, there is so much more, but not only would I have gone to an HBCU in the end, I would have gone to Howard.  I have felt it in my soul from the very beginning that I was meant to be here.  I feel like God intended for me to nourish myself and grow on the very soil my ancestors walked from 1867 until now.
        After balling my eyes out and calming down, my mom called me and told me that she had put the loan through and that everything was going to be fine.  I was beyond elated!  I feel so blessed to have a mother that will do anything to get her daughter this opportunity.  Once I realized how close I came to being back in my hometown wasting away in the house and as a "costumer service specialist" at JCPenny's, I knew that I couldn't and wouldn't be the same anymore.  There are times where I let my bad habits stress me out and make me a bit cold toward the opportunities before me.  You know what I mean? You get so complacent in a blessing that you sometimes forget that it's a blessing.  Being at Howard University is a blessing!  Howard gave me a chance when what I thought was my dream school wouldn't.  Every minute I am here, I grow even more!
        Today, I went through my same schedule, but I had a paper due.  As I was finishing this paper I made my way to the library and worked harder than I have in a while.  But when I went to turn that paper in, I stopped and looked at the campus.  It looked different.  I mean, nothing really has changed since I have been here, ascetically, but today this campus took on a whole new meaning.  And as I walked through Douglass Hall, I didn't take it lightly that it is a pure blessing to be there.  I am blessed at Howard! Beyond blessed! And I know I can make my dreams come true here! Alls I have to do is work hard.  And today I started working with the newer more insightful me!
        I am starting a legacy for myself, for my future children and my future grandchildren and my future great grandchildren, etc.  They will be able to look back at me and say, "she graduated from Howard University.  Maybe I can too."  That scare made me reopen my eyes and see that I can't just keep getting by by pushing myself every now and then, I have to push myself all the time to be my absolute BEST.  And another thing, which was something my uncle told me yesterday, was stop focusing on things that I can't control.  And I did.  I am putting all of that useless energy into something useful and that is me striving to do my absolute best in my work!  I am a journalist, I am a writer, I am an activist, I am Black, I am a Black woman, and just as important...I am a Bison!

Peace.