A Design To the Madness Part Two: Get It Together

The break up was just a few days ago, so I'm not being so hard on myself for feeling the way I do about it.  I'm also not being hard on myself for still looking back and wondering what could have been different...a lot of things could have been.  But the one thing I learned is not to divulge so much information about my past relationships or short lived casual dates as me telling him these things gave him the cards he needed.  I have come to terms and realized that I never had his trust and never will have his trust; he knew that, though I didn't at the time, and he knew having all of his trust was something I wanted more than anything, so he used it as a way to control my life, as a way to have me please his requests and as a way to feed his ego trips.  After talking to someone about him to see what they thought, they told me it was a red flag.  I didn't want to think he could be like that, but Amazing Grace I was blind, but now I see!
        I'm left alone to face the reality that I was never really loved by him, that the evil things he said about me to me and to the world was what he really thought about me this whole time.  I spent so much time and money talking with someone I thought I could see a future with to just have him not value me the way I valued him.  And I've had enough great examples in my life to know that someone calling me degrading names should NEVER EVER happen if there is Love there.
        Now here I am in the process of really letting go.  There are times I catch myself wanting to at least make things less hostile between us by reaching out, but what's the point? Things will never be the same, and if it was meant for us to at least have a friendship, it's something that can't be forced as it will  naturally happen.  If not, then that's the way things were meant to be.

        My sistahs, remember that no matter what a man does, you are worthy of love, affection and so much more.  See, relationships are two way streets, both people involved make mistakes, both people involved could have done something better.  Sometimes there are things within yourself that need to be worked out, which is very true with me. At the same time, the guy I was with has problems of his own that he needs to fix in order to have a successful relationship.  I'm using this opportunity to be with myself to do the diligent work I need to do to get through this time as well as for future relationships.  I'm making a choice to take these necessary steps because I may be down, but I'm not out.  I saw a quote that said "I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me, or I can choose to move on and leave it behind me."  I'm making the conscious choice to leave it behind me.   See, my sistahs, you have to get angry and you have to let that anger be the push to moving on. I'm angry that he didn't really Love me, but you know what, who can love me better than me?  As I get myself right, my anger will turn into this motivation that will keep me moving forward and I know I can do this.

        There are times where I catch myself wanting to prove his accusations wrong, to show him that everything he has said about me is completely untrue, completely the opposite of who I really am, but I've come to learn that I really need not obsess.  What he thinks of me, or tells his friends is none of my business and shouldn't bother me and as long as I know who Blackness is, what other people think about me doesn't matter.  And I'm going to take back my power. The last break up I had, I wouldn't allow myself to see a future without him as mine, but this time I'm allowing that to take place; I'm allowing myself to face reality and I'm not allowing myself to dwell on the past because this would have been the result regardless, it was just a matter of when; like Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes sang "if you don't know me by now, you will never never never know me."  But I'm fortunate it happened now while I'm not in school, and I have enough time to get myself ready for when I do return.

To be honest, I'm pretty excited to be on my own again.  There are people that are in your life for a reason or a season, and the mere fact there are people not moving forward with you shows that they weren't meant to; they were meant to show you something about yourself that you needed to see, but it's up to you to see it and do something about it.  Trial and tribulation are painful things to go through, very painful, but I get out of them as always...it takes time, but I always do.  It's because of trial and tribulation that I am a strong Black woman, a strong Black woman with a strong mind and no one can ever convince me that I am something that I'm not.  Like India Arie said "I'm not your average girl from your video and I ain't built like a supermodel, but I learned to love myself unconditionally because I AM A QUEEN..."  Paraphrasing Chrisette Michele's song "Blame It On Me," he can blame me for everything, tell everyone he meets, tell everyone that he doesn't even know that I'm this or that, that I did this and that, but you know what...I can say this loudly and proudly...I REALLY DON'T CARE BECAUSE I'M NOT CRYING ANYMORE!  Just as long as it's over between us. I'm no quitter, but when something is unhealthy for you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, you have to ask yourself some tough questions and put yourself before that unhealthy element.  It's going to be painful in the beginning, there are times where it's going to be uplifting as well.  There's a design to this madness, even the madness that makes you want to rip your own heart out so you no longer feel pain, but even that pain you feel is a blessing.  I was blessed with this experience because I've always said I was going to work on me, but would get off focus. This was the nudge I needed, the wake up call I needed to really get started.
        India Arie has another song where she says "get it together. You want to heal your body. Get it together.  You have to heal your heart...The choice is yours no matter what it is. To choose life you choose to forgive. You don't have to try to hurt him or break his pride, just shake the weight off and you'll be ready to fly..."  Revenge would be sweet, but even someone that really hurt you is not worth taking time to plot and ploy. Karma will handle it. So what I'm going to do is continue to do me, be me, Love me, appreciate me, trust me and live my life doing nothing but plotting to be successful, to be happy and to be even more of a Queen.  Yea, the memory of this will always be there, just like all other memories, but it doesn't have to be the thing the rules my life, the thing that outshines my strengths and my strong mind.  As she says in the song as well "no matter what anybody says, what matters most is what you think of yourself."  I have to get to a better place where I'm 100% sure of my worthiness, but I'm very close, closer than I've ever been.
        So here I go, on a journey, one that is going to be a continuous thing regardless, as long as there is life within me...the journey shall continue. I trust that everything will work out the way it was suppose to

A Design To the Madness Part One: The Break Up

There are times when you want everything to go your way...actually, I have to admit that I want everything go my way all the time.  I want happy times to come all the time, I want someone to like me when I want them to, I want someone to love me when I want them to, I want someone to be there for me when I want them to be...but life doesn't work out that way.  That's evident.  Things happen for a reason, even the good things.  As for the bad, they have a bigger picture that must be seen not because you were meant to be unhappy, destined to walk this planet alone, but because you were meant for something higher.
        Helen Keller once said "when one door of happiness closes, another opens; often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that had been opened for us."  That is soooo true, truer than I will ever know and because I stare so close at the closed door, wondering what went wrong, wondering what could have been prevented and wondering what could have been done that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  But the thing is, there are things that don't happen for us because we weren't meant to have it, so we just have to live with that.  How can we ever live with the fact that something we always wanted just slipped right through our hands? By knowing that there is nothing that we can do or could have done, and we have to trust that everything is going to be all right in the end, that, though it may be hard to believe, there is something bigger and better out here meant for us.
        I'm not going to go into detail about the personal struggles that urged me to write this post, but what I can say is that it was a painful emotional rollercoaster that brought me to my knees.  I just can no longer live my life plagued by unnecessary stress and heartache, so I have become wiser.  Yea, I'm sad that things had to come to this, but I for once have to put myself and my feelings first.  I have to let go to get to a better place within me because only then will I realize my real worth and know I deserve better than someone that only wants to break me down.  Yes, I had met and fell in love with the type of person that wanted to break me down calling me out my name and controlling me. Do I have hostility? Yes.  Do I have sadness? Yes. Do I have resentment? Yes.  Do I wish that the reality of it wasn't reality? Hell yea, but this is all real, my eyes are open and I have to deal with that.  This is the struggle, these are the growing pains that I wish my little sister wouldn't have to go through, but how else will she become a better person without them?
        "Me, myself and I is all I got in the end that's what I found out. And there ain't no need to cry. I took a vow that from now on I'ma be my own best friend"--Beyonce...I remember singing that song with my classmates on the school bus when I was in elementary school, but it's funny that only when you grow up and live and learn that you finally realize what the hell you were singing.  There was another instance in the song where she says "me, myself and I. I know that I will never disappoint myself. I must have cried a thousand times. All my ladies if you feel me help me sing it out.  I can't regret all the time I spent with you; yea you hurt me, but I learned a lot along the way. After all the rain you'll see the sun come out again..." I FEEL YOU MY SISTAH! Those words could not been said more plain! I've cried, I've asked all the questions I needed to ask, I still have some anger built up inside of me by the way things ended with this guy, but you know, you can choose whether or not to be happy, he can't choose for me.  I choose to be happy and Blackness is going to help Blackness move forward because Blackness is the best friend I will ever have; I knows exactly what I need, I know exactly how I feel, I can relate to me better than anyone else can, and I damn sure can love myself better than anyone else can.  You know, I can take myself to low places, so I don't need anyone to help me...and more importantly, I can only get myself out of these low places.
         It really is me, myself and I, yeah I have my friends and family, but I'm with myself 24/7. I have to rely on my inner strength to get me through yet another tough break up, the toughest so far.  But one thing is for sure, I'm a lot stronger than the first break up I had in college, that break up set me up for handling this situation with flying colors...so I'm proud of how I am getting through this.  I did all my crying, and I'm at a point where he's not worth any tears and now I'm ready to move on without him.  So here I am and I'm ready to go!
Enjoy the video below by natural hair queen Taren Guy! It sparked something in me that's got me moving forward and I'm ain't gonna let nobody turn me 'round!

 

Peace

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise

You Gotta Let 'Em Know!

All Hale the Queen!!!!

                                         "You gotta let 'em know, you ain't a bitch or a hoe"
Honestly, real men will never call you out of your name, especially a man that claims that he loves you. It's sad, but many women are emotionally and verbally abused and don't even realize it.  But we have to unite and build up self-esteem, strong minds and take our dignity back.  No one should be made to have so much pain when love is suppose to be a special and delightful thing.  I took back my life and Blackness is on her way to something bigger and better.  I'm hurting and it's going to be process before I can be the best me that I can be, but you know, (this may sound super cliche) I can do bad by myself, I don't need anyone else to take me there.  So before I know it, I'll get to the morning that Dr. King was talking about, but it's going to be process; one that will be painful, beautiful and yet enlightening.  So....here I go!
But the last thing I want to say is that all my sistahs are queens, you are beautiful, you are worthy and don't you NEVER EVER let any man tell you differently.  If a man ever thinks less of you then he doesn't deserve your love, your tears or your time.  I'm going to practice what I preach for sure, it's going to take some real soul searching to get my through, but I'll make it.  So keep pushing on!

PEace