This week was the first week of class, and it was truly a milestone for me because this was my first time in college! So I'm here! I have finally made it to the big time! I am finally living the dream that I've had since I was that scared little girl that was ruthlessly bullied just because I was weak. I can still feel that scared little girl inside of me because it is in my nature to be a bit timid, but here in college, I just have to stop that right HERE and right NOW! It's going to be journey, but I WILL get through it because that's just who I am.
This past week that I have spent here on the Howard University campus was one of joy, excitement, anxiety, anticipation, and depression. I really hold a lot of power in my hands, power that I really don't understand; power that I wish came with some kind of manual. As a college student, and as someone that was pretty sheltered back home, I have the power to go where I please, when I please, and I have the power to mold my own image; the image that I want my fellow Bison to behold me in. Though I really can't control what EVERYONE thinks of me, or how they see me, but what I can control is how I want to see me, and how I see myself will definitely be a factor in my happiness and my depression. So far, I really have no idea how I see myself, actually, weird thing, I have two different images for myself: the reflection I see when I force myself to look in the mirror, and the way I think I look while I'm waking about campus, and let me tell you, the second image is so much better!
See, when I look at myself in the mirror, I just see this ordinary, scared girl that is too afraid to standout that she slides deeper and deeper into this dark force. Not only is she scared, but she is also disappointed in herself for not fitting in with the youth of her generation, which is why she feels alone even when she's surrounded by loving family and friends. While walking through campus, I image a strong-minded young woman that knows why she is at college, and acknowledges that she is walking in the footprints of a great legacy. Then despite the fact that fashion seems to come into play a little too often, she will not conform because she is a REVOLUTIONARY just like those Howard students that took over the Administration building wayyyyy back in 1968! She is on such another level that the people around her just seem like mere beings co-existing on the world with her. I'm not saying she's conceited, she's just focused on doing what she has to do, and the fact that she could care less what the kids around her are saying or doing. So this past week, I've been going back and forth with these images and I still am, but it really has not been fun.
When my family left me last Sunday, I didn't know what to do first because here I was in this large school with no other friend than my roommate, and now I can do whatever I want, and I had to be responsible. So I hung out with my roommate and her friends for a minute until I realized that her friends were not really my type, so I was left to fend for myself and find a group that I could call my own. When I finally found that group, which is still growing, I was surprised that not only were they just about the same group of people I would have hung out with in high school, but they were more outgoing and funny and fun, and I really enjoy their company. Still, I just don't feel whole. I want to be more outgoing, actually, I want to be a community leader!
I was saddened to see that one of the main things that a lot of people care about around here is, fashion! I have always been a firm believer that the main thing that should be important when it comes to go going to class is PASSING THAT THERE CLASS, and when you were going out with friends or something, then fashion can come into play. I mean, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look nice and presentable, but there is when it's over the top, and a lot of these girls are OVER THE TOP, when you're just going to class! So, coming here I realized that I REALLY don't have to much to wear, but also, I don't need to dress up in anything more than a graphic-tee, and some skinny jeans! So I feel I am making a statement there, but one thing I feel I am missing is my afro. I miss my afro, and I bet that when I finally get it back, I will feel more powerful than ever! I will feel just as powerful and fulfilled as those Howard students that protested the A Building wayyyy back in 1968! I will feel as powerful as Kathleen Cleaver did when she spoke to her fellow brothas and sistahs! I will even feel as powerful as Fred Hampton when he stood before his people and told them to repeat after him: "I AM...A REVOLUTIONARY!" Walking this campus the other day made me realize that though my mother did do some years at college, I am starting my family legacy at square one, and I want my children to be proud of me. I also want students of the school that I am going to create to be proud of me, and no matter if I am feeling the sting of heartbreak because some guy played with my love, or if I feel lonely because I'm in the wrong generation, nothing will ever be able to break my fulfillment once I receive my diploma from Howard University: The Black Harvard.
So, PEACE and Love
Blackness
