Back to the love aspect of the song. When Aretha is singing you can hear her deep desire to be loved, as I want to be loved by someone, but then you hear that even louder desire to be respected. Love and Respect is the key to a long-lasting, happy and healthy relationship with someone else. But can it have the same results when there is no one else involved? You know, loving and respecting You! Loving and Respecting Me! Yeah, the answer may seem obvious to many, maybe it's obvious to me as well, but still, there is that question asking "how do I get there?" You know, "how do I get to a place where I can say with complete and utter honesty that I love and respect Me before anyone else?"
I'm no psychiatrist or self-love expert because I'm dealing with self-esteem issues of my own. You know, I've been beating myself up about things that might not even exist for so many years that it's so hard to stop! Even on days when I actually feel pretty, I just make things up to just make myself feel so low so that I'm not disappointed when other people don't think the same way. I degrade myself in my own way, I undermine the amazing things that make me well...Me! I don't support myself in the decisions that I make, and most definitely, I don't treat myself with the same respect that I would treat those around me. Isn't that wrong? Isn't it?
It may seem so wrong to you, but to me it's the norm...it's my life. But the thing is, this can change. I don't expect things to change instantly, but with some much needed self-tender love-and-care, I'll get there. And you know what? I've already started my journey.
Since the beginning of this year, I've been asking the question: "who am I, really?" Then over time I realized, there is no one word to describe me. Actually, there is no one word to describe anyone in this world because we are all three-deminitial people! Even when we become professionals or college graduates, our occupations don't make up every last fiber of our existence in this world; it's merely just a piece of who we are. Our dreams, our passions, our love, our faults, our talents, among many other things, this including our service make up who we are. And that's the thing that I've recently come across that completely blew my mind for some reason...our service makes up a piece who we are.
I have no idea why I didn't think of that, but leave it to Oprah to show me the light. I just watched the commencement speech she gave at Spelman College in Atlanta, Georgia and that couldn't have shined a brighter light in my sky. Lately I've just been worried about the fact that I have nothing to do because I know no one, and my goal when I get back to school is not only to do well, but to get more friends so that my phone wouldn't be so dry. But how many friends I have shouldn't determine my happiness because knowing a lot of people won't matter when it comes to those blessings that you'll one day receive, but what you have done with your life. I have just opened my eyes to the fact that I'm so lucky that at such a young age, I know EXACTLY what I want my service to this world to be and I also have a vision of where I want to go, though I don't yet know exactly what path I'm going to take to get there. I'll get there the way I was intended to get there.
Another thing that got me was when Oprah said to "make sure you surround yourself with people that will overflow your cup and once your cup has overflowed, you need to stop giving your gallon sized offerings to pint sized people." I instantly thought about my friends, especially the ones that I have at Howard. I mentioned in my last post how they want to see me accomplish so much and I wish the same for them, and I know that with the friends that I have chosen overflow my cup. And I do love them dearly! Then there are the pint sized people that have come in and out of my life that have made me doubt my worth, who I am, and whether or not I was amazing. At first I didn't know that they were considered pint-sized people because they didn't do me good, but know I'm definitely going to start using the phrase because it helps remind me that there is nothing wrong with me, it's just that there are a lot of people out there that don't want to see me grow and mature. And as Oprah referenced to The Color Purple, specifically a quote from Celi "whatever you don' to me already been don' to you." I've always been so caught up in revenge, proving people wrong, and with grudges, I now am going to start the process of getting over things and people knowing that karma ALWAYS-ALWAYS comes back at people that have hurt you.
Lastly, Oprah stressed that we should ALWAYS "DO THE RIGHT THING". This made me look back on how involved I've been on different issues back at school and I know that those were the right things to do. Then I shall also admit that I don't always do the right things, but who does? But now is the time to start. I'm determined to start and we all should be because as she said, good things WILL come our way, and who doesn't want that? Plus it does the heart good to do something good.
So am I now at a place where I can say with complete and utter honesty that I love and respect myself ? Nope, but because of what I have just learned, I can say with complete and utter honesty that I am a few steps closer because I am now content with the fact that I am me, I was made this way for a reason, I was made to have these struggles because struggles make you a better person. God wanted me to learn and no matter how long it will take, I know that he's determined to help guide me to happiness, but first I must be willing to walk with him on this journey. I am Blackness! I was given all of these traits, features, personality faults and boosters for a reason and I trust that God knew what he was doing when he created me and gave me to my wonderful family. So self R-E-S-P-E-C-T, I'm not too far away!
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