Moving On

The first few weeks of class have commenced and for some reason it's still hard to get over the mistakes I made in the first semester.  I use to be stubborn and blame everyone but myself for the decisions that I made, but I've grown since then; I take responsibility.  I know it was my decision to let curiosity get the best of me.  I know it was me that let my emotions get the best of me and my grades.  I know that there are things about my mentality that I need to work on.  I know these things, and I'm taking responsibility for my part in all of them.  But dealing with the consequences is the worst part.  I came into this second semester DETERMINED to get through the pain and the disappointment, but the past just always has to come back and haunt me.
  It is Howard University policy to go into a retention program if you have a certain GPA, a number that I even hate to think about, but it's there no matter how far I try to run from it.  Every day I feel shame for a problem that had resulted from a personal matter that I was going through.  Now I have to face the music. Now I have to deal with it face-to-face even though I'm always determined not to deal with it so directly, but just to forget about it by succeeding this second semester where I failed in the first.  So, the thought of having to be the one with those low scores while all of my friends celebrate their achievements is just so heavy on me right now.  Still, I'm trying with all my might to find the strength in me to not be so hard on myself.
  When Hill Harper told me that I shouldn't be hard on myself, I took the time to think about what that really meant, and how that could really be done.  So I thought for a while, and realized that I don't always give myself any leeway for making human mistakes that others make!  I always fall a blind eye to the fact that I'm not the only person that has dealt with some of the problems that I have, and I'm not the only one who thinks the things that I think and college has really opened my mind to that! Even the girls that always seem like their perfect and pretty by wearing barely any clothes, you know the ones that get all the guys, they are dealing with some demons, but they hide it deep within them.  Back to the subject though.  I can't be so hard on myself because of what I went through in that first semester.  I've taken responsibility, now is my time to take responsibility in making it right!
  There is something else that I have to take responsibility for, and that's my success!  I am here at Howard University, one of the best HBCUs in the country!  I got here because I was determined to settle for nothing less than the best!  If you saw my grades from my freshman year of high school, you would not believe that I would have ever been able to get into Howard!  You would not of been able to imagine me graduating from high school Magna Cum Laude!  You would not of been able to see me being honored at the Cleveland NAACP Freedom Fund dinner for receiving the Carl Stokes Scholarship!  But despite starting from the bottom, I've climbed my way to the top because I was determined to have my dreams come true!  I was determined to never settle for anything below excellent!  So what makes college any different?!
  I started this second semester with a goal, and that was to make sure that I got nothing lower than a 3.5, and I was doing very well at that!  Then it happened...I fell off as most people do.  So these last two weeks have been fairly stressful, but I shall make no excuses because excuses are not going to get me to my goals!  I have been afforded some awesome opportunities!  For instance, I've been given an executive position with the Howard University NAACP! (The only freshman on the executive board!)  I have been offered a job at Founder's Library because of my love for history!  And I am proud of myself, and I need to remember that I can't runaway from myself! I'm stuck with myself and I can't be so hard on myself because I fell off for a second!  So, I need to stop yelling at me and just get back to work!  So this weekend is going to be spent getting back on track, and rewarding myself for the work that I've been trying to put in.  Also I'm going to work on the things that have been threatening to hold me back because I can't and WON'T let anything, or anyone stop me!...not even myself....

So...Peace & Love <3