Mother to Son by Langston Hughes

Langston Hughes and his mother

Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor --
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now --
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

Self R-E-S-P-E-C-T

        I can hear the blaring trumpets now, the tambourines, the guitars, and of course the percussion.  With these instruments passionately manipulated in a lovely and soulful sound, alls I do is wait to hear my girl Aretha sing and I'm instantly thrusted back in time.  Though this is suppose to be a love ballad, I'm instantly reminded of the respect my people demanded back in the 60s, but I can more vividly see the berets and leather jackets of the controversial Black Panther Party. And if you ask me, the only reason why the Black Panther Party is so controversial is because their image was distorted by the government and the FBI invited ignorance and betrayal into the mix.  But who am I to determine this...lol wink-wink.
        Back to the love aspect of the song.  When Aretha is singing you can hear her deep desire to be loved, as I want to be loved by someone, but then you hear that even louder desire to be respected.  Love and Respect is the key to a long-lasting, happy and healthy relationship with someone else.  But can it have the same results when there is no one else involved? You know, loving and respecting You!  Loving and Respecting Me!  Yeah, the answer may seem obvious to many, maybe it's obvious to me as well, but still, there is that question asking "how do I get there?"  You know, "how do I get to a place where I can say with complete and utter honesty that I love and respect Me before anyone else?"
        I'm no psychiatrist or self-love expert because I'm dealing with self-esteem issues of my own.  You know, I've been beating myself up about things that might not even exist for so many years that it's so hard to stop!  Even on days when I actually feel pretty, I just make things up to just make myself feel so low so that I'm not disappointed when other people don't think the same way.  I degrade myself in my own way, I undermine the amazing things that make me well...Me!  I don't support myself in the decisions that I make, and most definitely, I don't treat myself with the same respect that I would treat those around me.  Isn't that wrong? Isn't it?
        It may seem so wrong to you, but to me it's the norm...it's my life.  But the thing is, this can change.  I don't expect things to change instantly, but with some much needed self-tender love-and-care, I'll get there.  And you know what? I've already started my journey.
        Since the beginning of this year, I've been asking the question: "who am I, really?"  Then over time I realized, there is no one word to describe me.   Actually, there is no one word to describe anyone in this world because we are all three-deminitial people!  Even when we become professionals or college graduates, our occupations don't make up every last fiber of our existence in this world; it's merely just a piece of who we are.  Our dreams, our passions, our love, our faults, our talents, among many other things, this including our service make up who we are.   And that's the thing that I've recently come across that completely blew my mind for some reason...our service makes up a piece who we are.
        I have no idea why I didn't think of that, but leave it to Oprah to show me the light.  I just watched the commencement speech she gave at Spelman College in Atlanta, Georgia and that couldn't have shined a brighter light in my sky.  Lately I've just been worried about the fact that I have nothing to do because I know no one, and my goal when I get back to school is not only to do well, but to get more friends so that my phone wouldn't be so dry.  But how many friends I have shouldn't determine my happiness because knowing a lot of people won't matter when it comes to those blessings that you'll one day receive, but what you have done with your life. I have just opened my eyes to the fact that I'm so lucky that at such a young age, I know EXACTLY what I want my service to this world to be and I also have a vision of where I want to go, though I don't yet know exactly what path I'm going to take to get there.  I'll get there the way I was intended to get there.
        Another thing that got me was when Oprah said to "make sure you surround yourself with people that will overflow your cup and once your cup has overflowed, you need to stop giving your gallon sized offerings to pint sized people."  I instantly thought about my friends, especially the ones that I have at Howard.  I mentioned in my last post how they want to see me accomplish so much and I wish the same for them, and I know that with the friends that I have chosen overflow my cup.  And I do love them dearly! Then there are the pint sized people that have come in and out of my life that have made me doubt my worth, who I am, and whether or not I was amazing.  At first I didn't know that they were considered pint-sized people because they didn't do me good, but know I'm definitely going to start using the phrase because it helps remind me that there is nothing wrong with me, it's just that there are a lot of people out there that don't want to see me grow and mature.  And as Oprah referenced to The Color Purple, specifically a quote from Celi "whatever you don' to me already been don' to you."  I've always been so caught up in revenge, proving people wrong, and with grudges, I now am going to start the process of getting over things and people knowing that karma ALWAYS-ALWAYS comes back at people that have hurt you.
        Lastly, Oprah stressed that we should ALWAYS "DO THE RIGHT THING".  This made me look back on how involved I've been on different issues back at school and I know that those were the right things to do.  Then I shall also admit that I don't always do the right things, but who does? But now is the time to start.  I'm determined to start and we all should be because as she said, good things WILL come our way, and who doesn't want that?  Plus it does the heart good to do something good.
       So am I now at a place where I can say with complete and utter honesty that I love and respect myself ? Nope, but because of what I have just learned, I can say with complete and utter honesty that I am a few steps closer because I am now content with the fact that I am me, I was made this way for a reason, I was made to have these struggles because struggles make you a better person.  God wanted me to learn and no matter how long it will take, I know that he's determined to help guide me to happiness, but first I must be willing to walk with him on this journey.  I am Blackness! I was given all of these traits, features, personality faults and boosters for a reason and I trust that God knew what he was doing when he created me and gave me to my wonderful family.  So self R-E-S-P-E-C-T, I'm not too far away!

A New Perspective

        I can't count how many times I've tried to start a blog post just complaining about how boring my summer, but I end up never finishing.   I'm still going to do some complaining, but all in good reason... I hope.  Ok. So here we go.
        I still can't fathom the fact that I have just finished my first year at college!  It was an experience that I will never forget and cherish for the rest of my life.  At the same time, there are MANY mistakes that I made and I'm still dealing with the consequences of those mistakes, even though I'm trying hard to recover from them to this day.
        My first semester was definitely Bad, yes, capital "B" included and though I recovered in the second semester, I still can't get over it.  The few people that know what my grade-point-average was in the first semester tell me the same thing, "oh it was your first time being away from home and you just had to get use to things."  While that is partially true, I also had the misfortune of getting my heartbroken which did not do my well in most of my classes.  With this, I still see myself as a failure and for the longest time thought that no matter how great I would do in the future, the failure would haunt me and give me a disadvantage.  In a way it can.  In a way, it might, but it DEFINITELY doesn't mean that I have to fail again!
        Recently, a Yale graduate named Marina Keegan died in a car accident days after her graduation.  She was young, talented, and was definitely going places.   The thing that struck me the most about her was that she was a writer just like I am!  And though we were at different stages of our lives, different ages, different schools, different races, that one simple passion for writing is why I feel we are connected. So I was compelled to read some of her work and when I did, it immediately motivated me. She wrote:

        "What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it’s too late to do anything is comical. It’s hilarious. We’re graduating college. We’re so young. We can’t, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it’s all we have."-- "The Opposite of Loneliness" by Marina Keegan

        The sense of possibilities? The Sense of Possibilities...she said that's all we have...and she's right!  I came home so focused on getting revenge on a love, which did nothing but drag me in and out of a deep depression.  I came home thinking that things were going to be different when it came to having a social life, but that only made me feel the lowest I've felt in a long time!  Now who is Blackness?  Blackness doesn't have a million friends, but she also doesn't have drama.  One of the most important things though is that the small group of friends that I have care about me and love me!  We've literally been through thick and thin! And I know that they want me to be successful just as I want them to be!  And no number can substitute the love and support I need from my friends!
        With the revenge on love thing.  I've come to the same conclusion that I had to come to not too long ago:YOU CAN'T MAKE SOMEBODY LIKE YOU!!!!!!! No matter what you do, no matter what you say, if somebody doesn't like you at the time, then that's just it; you can't change people! I can't change people! So why am I wasting time?!  Why am I letting this consume me and obscure my purpose?!  This summer, I'm working really hard to love Me over him!  I'm choosing to love me and respect me the way I love and respect him, more than I love and respect him!  Because see, I'm young and it's not too late to start over!  It's NOT too late to make myself happy by loving myself and working hard to get what I want and what I deserve!  IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
        The summer is not over, and I still have a lot of work to do!  Thank you Marina Keegan for helping me to realize this!
Peace & Love,
                               Blackness