Chillaxin', Reflectin' and Christmas Morals

The semester has finally ended and I finally get that time to just sit back and not have to think about school work, walking around campus pretending like it's not hard to keep my head up high, worrying about running into Negroes that I don't want to see, trying to make myself approachable, and most of all…school work.  I have been home for about two weeks now and as you can imagine, I have been sitting back and putting up my tired feet as much as I can.  What I have also been trying to do is rest this restless mind that has been running a million miles a minute since the semester started.  A lot has happened this past semester; interesting, heartbreaking, encouraging, awesome things have made my head spin, but everything happens for a reason.  And as I sit here and think about everything in the comfort of my own home as I watch my favorite Christmas specials, I am beginning to see things in a different light.
        Three out of every four Americans may tell you that Christmas is their favorite time of the year and I'm one of those three.  I have been in love with Christmas since I was little and back then it was mostly to see what Santa Claus had brought me that year.  But one thing would get me into Christmas till the point where I would pretty much force my mom to get into the holidays as well…and that one thing is the spirit of the season.  As I got older I started to ask for less till the point now where I don't ask for anything, but I still find myself excited because I love the feeling I get when this time of year rolls around.  I don't even know if I can put into words how lovely a feeling I get inside from the holidays.  And once it's all over…I look forward for next year.
        There is no more perfect time of year to just have this time to relax and reflect, especially considering all that has happened in recent months.  I celebrated my 20th birthday, had a few minor setbacks, became my own hero for once, got over a 3.0 GPA once again, I am discovering this whole new person I never knew was there and a guy I once considered to be my best friend has come back into my life hopefully to stay.  This time of year makes you open your heart to so much more and it is the perfect time to see thinks a bit clearer.  And I am beginning to feel differently about a lot of things and of course eager to go into the new year embracing this new me.

       Aside from loving the feeling of this season, I also love the Christmas specials and as you can imagine I am a fan of ABC Family's "25 Days of Christmas" movie-thon where they show the classic Christmas specials as well as originals.  I have several favorites that include, Elf, The Year Without A Santa Claus, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, Christmas In Boston and Holiday in Handcuffs.  But there is one that I kinda liked that has made the greatest impression on me.  The movie 12 Dates of Christmas is about this woman that is so caught up in her own selfishness that she doesn't see the true meaning of Christmas.  So one day when shopping she is sprayed with some kind of perfume that knocks her out and she wakes up shortly after.  Then she completes her day as usual, but when she wakes up she is reliving that day over and over again until she realizes the true meaning of Christmas and that she has the wrong insight on certain aspects in her life.  There is a particular scene where she is walking alongside the handsome Mark-Paul Gosselaar, who plays Miles, and she confides in him that she wants to make things right with her ex who is suppose to propose to this woman named Nancy.  She told him about all the things she wished she had done differently to make the outcome different.  Well Miles keeps it real and tell her that, not verbatim, that there is only one problem and that is that she is not Nancy.  He told her that she can go back and change anything she wants, but one thing you can't change is fate.  DEEEEEEEEPPPPP RIGHT?!!!!!!!!
        One of the things that constantly plagues my mind, especially during the time of New Years Resolutions and junk, is that I always wonder what it was that I could have done differently to change a lot of the things that I didn't particularly like, but one thing I am learning now is that those outcomes were going to happen no matter what.  Though I am still in the process of trusting God and his plan, I am really starting to see that there are things that were not meant to happen and no matter how long I ponder it and overwhelm myself with the shoulda woulda couldas, there was just nothing I could or can do to change what is meant to be.  And then I think about the things that were meant to happen like me being at the school I am at…I was meant to be at Howard because I was suppose to have these experiences and meet these people and grow!  These experiences I have had in 2013 has set me up for great things and I am really looking forward to what is to come because I truly am not recognizing this person I see in the mirror today as compared to how she was some months ago and even last year and I'm both encouraged and a bit afraid, but that's all right.  New things take some getting use to, but I am more than ready to get to know this person I am discovering within myself and help her thrive and flourish!  It's going to be a long journey, but where there is no struggle there is no progress.
Let's Get It!
pEAce
                 Blackness

I Can Be My Own Hero

You know, it really resinated with me when Chrisette Michele had the nerve to say, "I'd rather play alone. (Oh, I can't be a fool anymore) No. (I don't need a game anymore)  You can play the fool yeah. (I'm gon' play my HERO, you gon' be a zero)."  The mere concept of me being a hero for myself seemed so foreign before I heard this line and I am grateful that it made its way into my head, which is known to be a complex and complicated space to dwell in.  At some point in your life, you just have to be tired of relying on someone else to come and save you because that won't always be the case.  You have to be ready and willing to be your own best friend, you have to be ready and willing to be that person you KNOW you can depend on, you have to be ready and willing to be that person you can trust with your most vulnerable secrets, you have to be ready and willing to be that person who believes in you the most, and you have to be ready willing to be that person that loves and accepts you NO MATTER WHAT!  These things have become very important to me.  It's a bit of a challenge to get use to after so many years of depending on superheroes that never came, and that nonetheless were never even super, but you know, I'm truly growing up.  I'm proud of that.
        It has been a long time since I have made a new post and Lord knows that I have tried to start something, but I would never finish.  It was either I was becoming too busy or because I felt like it was not the right time to do a post, but I feel in my heart that this is the right time.  I feel it deeply that the things that I have experienced in these past few months has lead me to this moment and this awakening.  It bites to have these feelings, but at the same time, I'm more empowered than ever.  And though it can be a scary thing for a sistah like me to have to do what is best for me, I am more willing now than ever to do so and like they say, "the only way to get better is to do better."  And if you're tired of being down, tired of stressing out and over thinking, you need to do what you have to do to change that.
        "Hit the highway. Call you a cab, give me back my keys.  Goodbye to baggage, you ain't baggin' me.  I'm gonna smile when I wave. (Goodbye-Goodbye) I can take the low road.  Ain't got no pride, I ain't puttin' up a fight.  Get out the boxin' ring, it's T.K.O tonight.  Walk that way. I'd rather play alone…"
        One thing I can say that I felt I could not say in previous semesters is that, I'm happier this time around.  I feel more empowered this time around because so many things have opened up my eyes and made me see so much.  Now it's my time to decide whether or not I'm going to face reality and do what I have to do.  What I have learned from dealing with the situations that I have dealt with and looking back on the things that have caused me pain in the past is that I always end up being fine in the end.  In the past I have been consumed with fears over losing people that were not sweating over losing me, and even these days it can be a bit of a tough thing to think about letting someone go.  But I trust that they are being taken out of my life for a reason and I know that I will get over it.
        Because of my lack of success in the romance department I am starting to grow in different ways.  Also with a combination of my growing self-esteem, I realize that I know I will make a great girlfriend and what not to someone.  I do take a genuine interest in things, even if I don't really have any prior knowledge of it, I am a great listener, I am accepting and allow people to be who they are, I am understanding, and even if I don't know you well yet, I am caring and don't like it when other people are down.  But for some reason, a lot of guys can't appreciate that and just leave me hanging and I am at the point where I'm not even blaming myself for the rejection that I sometimes face.  I have grown to believe that these guys can't do better and essentially don't. A lot of them would rather have someone that are impressed by materialistic things, someone to twerk on them at parties and show off a lot of skin.  That's not me and that will never be me.  I swear, I am too mature for these guys and I am starting to really believe that they know that I'm too good for them.
        I don't want to sound conceited and make you think that I believe I am the best thing poppin'.  I still have a long way to go before I am where I want to be, but I am at a place where I truly believe that I am deserving of something better than what I settle for.  I know that I am not ready to settle down with the love of my life yet, but I want to change the outcomes that cause me so much pain by eliminating those factors that always get me back to where I was before: *Keisha Cole Voice* "So sad and lonely."  So I have made some changes and am sticking to them! Ya hurd?!  Things that I am starting to do is trusting the process, thanking God more and praying more.
        Trusting the Process- I use to hate it when I would hit it off with somebody and then all of a sudden, they wouldn't call or text me anymore.  It's still a bit of a hard pill to swallow when someone you thought you would become close with just stops trying to be close to you.  I use to make up things that would place the blame on me because I thought that maybe there was something I could do to change that, but now that I'm thinking about it…there is nothing anyone can do.  You cannot force another human being to love you, to want to be with you, to hang out with you, to notice you, care about you, or see that they can be happy with you.  That is something they must see themselves.  If they cannot see that you are the shit, then that's their problem, not yours.  You showed them your best face, followed through, continued to show interest and they just stop texting or responding to you out of nowhere?…oh well.  I would rather not be bothered with someone that doesn't want to be bothered with me.  And it's disappointing when that happens, but I've been starting to get less and less afraid of losing people that have clearly no interest in a future with me.  I know there will be better in the future.  And I'm pretty sure the man that finally comes into my life that I finally feel I'm ready to settle down with will be pretty freakin' awesome…he will have to be You Know!
        Thanking God and Praying More-I am not religious in any way, but I am spiritual in my own way.  I am someone that believes that God does exist, but he is also what you make him to be.  Some people who are religious believes that he does not care too much about those that are not affiliated with a denomination, but the God I am getting to know does not mind at all.  But that is a whole other discussion in itself.  The main point I am trying to get at is that I am starting to really finally build a relationship with him and not just pray about the things I want, but thank him for what I have.  I know at times I can think that my world is over about what many would believe to be trivial happenings in a young woman's life.  So I have to remind myself that I have my health, I am at one of the best HBCUs in the country, my family is healthy, I have great friends and people do love and appreciate me even though there are others that can walk out on me without a second thought.  I thank him for each morning I am allowed to see and for those moments where I get extremely lucky and know that it couldn't be anything else, but a blessing.  I feel great when I show my appreciation for all of my blessings.  Then there are times when things get very very tough and I feel that there is no way to turn.  So I pray to God and ask him to help me find clarity when I feel the fog is too thick.  I pray that he gives me the strength to carry on when I feel things are impossible and I sometimes pray that he helps remind me of my blessings.  Doing these things and starting the process of really trusting him is helping me come to terms with a lot of things, while at the same time reminding me that there is better for me out here.
       "We play the game until we lose. Better to leave ya before I do.  I'd rather say, I loved a cheater and be a quitter. I'm still a winner."  Chrisette Michele says something very important here.  Sometimes you have to quit to win.  Also, it's all right to quit if you gave your best and that still wasn't enough because keeping yourself in something unhealthy will never do you any good.  Instead of pondering on the things that you feel make you inadequate, remember that you are NEVER inadequate.  If someone is not afraid of losing you, then you shouldn't be afraid of losing them! And something that I am growing to learn is that you can never chase away someone by being who you really are if they really want to be with you.  So never sweat over someone that cannot accept you for who you are and be your own hero.  You don't need someone to complete you; you should complete you. You should be the best you you can be and the rest will follow.  Success, happiness and even romance will follow.

PeACe,
                   Blackness

A Case of the Howard Blues

Yes, this happens about once a year and always leaves me eager to get back to the old grind.  Yup brothas and sistahs, I got the Howard Blues.  What's the Howard Blues?  No, I don't have the blues because I'm at Howard, but I have blues because I'm not there.  The summer is dandy and fine, but toward the middle, something happens to me that I never thought possible...I miss my school!
        See, this mere fact makes me remember that things are different from what they use to be.  When I was growing up, I yearned for summer break and even counted down the days.   Then I always dreaded the summer's end as if each day gone was another day of me walking the green mile.  Now-a-days, I'm 19 years old and I'm at the THEE BEST HBCU in the country and I can't help, but to feel a deep yearning for heading back to school.  And no matter what I have been through in college when it comes to guys, depression and grades, I can't blame it on Howard itself. (Except financial aid struggles)  With that, nothing can ever make me feel anything less than blessed, fortunate and gratified about attending Howard University.
        This year, Howard University class of 2017 is stepping on campus taking a place that once was ours and when I say ours I mean my class of 2015.  And even before us, there is rich history of nothing but the best coming in and out of this great institution.  But I remember being a freshman, nervous, but anxious to be attending college for the first time, in a whole new city six hours away from home.  The thing that got me was how welcomed I felt from everyone and I intended to pass that on to the classes that would come after me.  This year, I shall pass this on to the class of 2017 and I shall proudly do so.
        Back in 2011, I was not into social media, so I wasn't able to share experiences with those coming into my class and I was not able to share the anticipating excitement.  If I could go back in time, I wish I was in a mindset to where that would have been possible, but I was so kept to myself to where it wasn't even funny lol.  Now, I am seeing so many students so excited about coming to a school that I have been frustrated with and enjoyed for the past two years, and it warms my heart.  And it definitely gives me a case of the Howard Blues.
        Now that I am entering my third year and am finally realizing how grown up I am, I feel this is the time I can truly appreciate Howard and what it has done for me.  I have applied to be a mentor for incoming freshman at the school of communications, I have also reached out to a boy from my hometown to let him know that he had a friend from his own backyard that he can count on while he's at school, I have reached out to a rising sophomore as she fights to be a published journalist just as I am and next summer I want to help with move-in and enjoy my last summer before my senior year.
        O boy, time really does fly when you really feel like you are where you're supposed to be.  I have made some amazing friends along the way, friends I know for a fact I will have for life and they make my experience even greater.  So I am eager to get on with my third year, do better than I have done in the past, be better than I have been in the past, be risker than I have been in the past and be happier than I have been in the past so I can get the most out of my education; so I can get the most out of life pre-bills lol.
        There are only a few more days left back home before I head to my second home and I have the blues like nothing else.  I see pictures of my colleagues headed back or coming for the first time and it brings back strong nostalgia.  I also think about the people that I miss and how I shall soon be in there presence once again, something that I never take for granted.  So, though with the blues, my fever is getting higher and higher as my summer days grow shorter, but I know that I shall get well soon.  And the only cure for this damn sickness is to go back to where I belong... at Howard University.

PEACE

Inspiration

Creating Blackness

Before, I was going to name this post "Til My Cup Runneth Over", but I saw that as I began to type that post with that name I grew stuck.  I was stuck in the mindset of reliving the pain that I have been feeling and there was no one to blame but me because it was a choice of mine to live in that pain.  I was also in the wrong mindset all along from the very moment I decided to do this blog.
       See, I started this blog to not only chronicle my college years and what I thought would be me living my fantasy college life, but because I didn't want girls out here like me to feel alone.  Yea,  I put myself out there; yea, I got personal; yea, I know that this is the world wide web, but I have seen so many girls out here either take their own lives or not live up to their fullest potential because they may have experienced some of the things that I have.  I wanted to show them that things do get better, I wanted to show them that they can make mistakes and take responsibility for them, I also wanted to show them that there is a time where you can find clarity.  But you know the funny thing about that?  I was telling myself something completely different and I was stuck in the mindset of finding myself...Find yourself Blackness...Figure out who it is you really are...but what I lacked was the mindset of figure out WHO YOU CAN BE.
        When you grow up, you hear narratives about college being the place where you find yourself.  I do agree that you do in a sense "find yourself", but you so seldom hear about creating yourself.  Of course, by the time you get the college, you are who you are and you should never change that unless it's detrimental to your growth, but you also grow so much during this time.  There are times where you look at some of your old high school classmates and start to think "wow, they have really changed" (well they may in some way or another), but sometimes we are too close to ourselves to really realize how we have changed and how we have grown.
        By the time I got to college, I made the choice that I was not going to be stand being known as "the quiet girl" like I had been known as for about 12 years.  I even got voted "most quietest" in our senior yearbooks back in high school.  I felt college was going to be a clean slate for me and I was going to have these great friends, I was going to go to parties, I was going to do better academically and I was going to be more outgoing and take risks.  What I found was that I was still deciding to live my life as the "most quietest".  I was still purposely making myself invisible because I was afraid to take risks and I was too close to myself to see it so I wondered what it was about me that made my peers at Howard not want to say hello or talk to me or even walk up to me.  I blamed myself, I beat myself up about it and told myself that I was boring, not pretty enough, not loud enough, not fun enough and all those hurtful words built a wall around me even more.  But now, I really see what it is:
IT WAS ME DECIDING TO LIVE MY LIFE AS THE LITTLE QUIET GIRL I HAD ONCE BEEN.
        All details aside, I'm not that little girl anymore that use to eat lunch by herself. I'm not that little girl no one wanted to be in a group with. I'm not that little girl anymore who didn't have any friend. I'm not that little girl who had that ugly duckling stage...I'M 19 NOW, I HAVE GREAT FRIENDS, I DON'T HAVE TO EAT ALONE AND I'M AT THE BEST BLACK COLLEGE IN THE COUNTRY DAMMIT!!!!! I'm not that little girl anymore.
        Since the moment where I looked at myself and saw that little girl staring back at me, I have been able to finally realize that I am not her anymore.  I'm almost at a place where I can put her story to rest and stop living her story.  Now I am confused about this stranger that I see, this stranger that I am to myself.  I feel like I don't know anything about her because I have been so caught up in "Little Blackness" that I was blind to the life that "Big Blackness" lives.  What I do know is that she has great friends, she's funny, she's definitely not an ugly duckling, she's smart, she's passionate, she's a very sweet and compassionate person and she's eager to take risks.  Little Blackness has been putting her little hands around Big Blackness' wrists and has held her back from great opportunity.  And I'm hoping the little me will just stay to the side for now so that I can take over and show her that there is nothing to be afraid of because there really isn't. Life is full of heartaches, heartbreaks, rejection and other icky things, and not even the ones who try to avoid it are safe.  That avoidance though creates a barrier from the great things in life and prevents you from living your life to the fullest.   There is this very interesting, confident, risk-taking girl that wants to come to out.  There is this cool soul sistah that is waiting for her turn to see the light to live life to the fullest and there is no one other than me that can let her out.
        I am who I am at this moment.  There are some things about me that I'm still waiting to find out, which I shall discover through trial and tribulation.  As for the good times, they shall come more often because I have more of a mindset of creating myself, being the woman I want to be and doing the things that I want to do in life.  I can already see it now...I have a brighter future ahead of me because of these realizations.  Yes, there are going to be not so bright times, but only I have the choice as to whether or not I'm going to let those dark times hold me back from living my life and let the record show that today I choose HAPPINESS.

The Sweetest Thing

"Can We Talk" by Tevin Campbell has to be one of the sweetest songs that comes to mind.   Every time I watch the video I think of the sweeter things that are out here.  Tevin's sweet voice, sweet words and very cute smile melt my heart every time I listen to it and not only brings back lovely memories, but gives me hope of what is to come.
Enjoy!

PeAcE

A Design To the Madness Part Two: Get It Together

The break up was just a few days ago, so I'm not being so hard on myself for feeling the way I do about it.  I'm also not being hard on myself for still looking back and wondering what could have been different...a lot of things could have been.  But the one thing I learned is not to divulge so much information about my past relationships or short lived casual dates as me telling him these things gave him the cards he needed.  I have come to terms and realized that I never had his trust and never will have his trust; he knew that, though I didn't at the time, and he knew having all of his trust was something I wanted more than anything, so he used it as a way to control my life, as a way to have me please his requests and as a way to feed his ego trips.  After talking to someone about him to see what they thought, they told me it was a red flag.  I didn't want to think he could be like that, but Amazing Grace I was blind, but now I see!
        I'm left alone to face the reality that I was never really loved by him, that the evil things he said about me to me and to the world was what he really thought about me this whole time.  I spent so much time and money talking with someone I thought I could see a future with to just have him not value me the way I valued him.  And I've had enough great examples in my life to know that someone calling me degrading names should NEVER EVER happen if there is Love there.
        Now here I am in the process of really letting go.  There are times I catch myself wanting to at least make things less hostile between us by reaching out, but what's the point? Things will never be the same, and if it was meant for us to at least have a friendship, it's something that can't be forced as it will  naturally happen.  If not, then that's the way things were meant to be.

        My sistahs, remember that no matter what a man does, you are worthy of love, affection and so much more.  See, relationships are two way streets, both people involved make mistakes, both people involved could have done something better.  Sometimes there are things within yourself that need to be worked out, which is very true with me. At the same time, the guy I was with has problems of his own that he needs to fix in order to have a successful relationship.  I'm using this opportunity to be with myself to do the diligent work I need to do to get through this time as well as for future relationships.  I'm making a choice to take these necessary steps because I may be down, but I'm not out.  I saw a quote that said "I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me, or I can choose to move on and leave it behind me."  I'm making the conscious choice to leave it behind me.   See, my sistahs, you have to get angry and you have to let that anger be the push to moving on. I'm angry that he didn't really Love me, but you know what, who can love me better than me?  As I get myself right, my anger will turn into this motivation that will keep me moving forward and I know I can do this.

        There are times where I catch myself wanting to prove his accusations wrong, to show him that everything he has said about me is completely untrue, completely the opposite of who I really am, but I've come to learn that I really need not obsess.  What he thinks of me, or tells his friends is none of my business and shouldn't bother me and as long as I know who Blackness is, what other people think about me doesn't matter.  And I'm going to take back my power. The last break up I had, I wouldn't allow myself to see a future without him as mine, but this time I'm allowing that to take place; I'm allowing myself to face reality and I'm not allowing myself to dwell on the past because this would have been the result regardless, it was just a matter of when; like Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes sang "if you don't know me by now, you will never never never know me."  But I'm fortunate it happened now while I'm not in school, and I have enough time to get myself ready for when I do return.

To be honest, I'm pretty excited to be on my own again.  There are people that are in your life for a reason or a season, and the mere fact there are people not moving forward with you shows that they weren't meant to; they were meant to show you something about yourself that you needed to see, but it's up to you to see it and do something about it.  Trial and tribulation are painful things to go through, very painful, but I get out of them as always...it takes time, but I always do.  It's because of trial and tribulation that I am a strong Black woman, a strong Black woman with a strong mind and no one can ever convince me that I am something that I'm not.  Like India Arie said "I'm not your average girl from your video and I ain't built like a supermodel, but I learned to love myself unconditionally because I AM A QUEEN..."  Paraphrasing Chrisette Michele's song "Blame It On Me," he can blame me for everything, tell everyone he meets, tell everyone that he doesn't even know that I'm this or that, that I did this and that, but you know what...I can say this loudly and proudly...I REALLY DON'T CARE BECAUSE I'M NOT CRYING ANYMORE!  Just as long as it's over between us. I'm no quitter, but when something is unhealthy for you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, you have to ask yourself some tough questions and put yourself before that unhealthy element.  It's going to be painful in the beginning, there are times where it's going to be uplifting as well.  There's a design to this madness, even the madness that makes you want to rip your own heart out so you no longer feel pain, but even that pain you feel is a blessing.  I was blessed with this experience because I've always said I was going to work on me, but would get off focus. This was the nudge I needed, the wake up call I needed to really get started.
        India Arie has another song where she says "get it together. You want to heal your body. Get it together.  You have to heal your heart...The choice is yours no matter what it is. To choose life you choose to forgive. You don't have to try to hurt him or break his pride, just shake the weight off and you'll be ready to fly..."  Revenge would be sweet, but even someone that really hurt you is not worth taking time to plot and ploy. Karma will handle it. So what I'm going to do is continue to do me, be me, Love me, appreciate me, trust me and live my life doing nothing but plotting to be successful, to be happy and to be even more of a Queen.  Yea, the memory of this will always be there, just like all other memories, but it doesn't have to be the thing the rules my life, the thing that outshines my strengths and my strong mind.  As she says in the song as well "no matter what anybody says, what matters most is what you think of yourself."  I have to get to a better place where I'm 100% sure of my worthiness, but I'm very close, closer than I've ever been.
        So here I go, on a journey, one that is going to be a continuous thing regardless, as long as there is life within me...the journey shall continue. I trust that everything will work out the way it was suppose to

A Design To the Madness Part One: The Break Up

There are times when you want everything to go your way...actually, I have to admit that I want everything go my way all the time.  I want happy times to come all the time, I want someone to like me when I want them to, I want someone to love me when I want them to, I want someone to be there for me when I want them to be...but life doesn't work out that way.  That's evident.  Things happen for a reason, even the good things.  As for the bad, they have a bigger picture that must be seen not because you were meant to be unhappy, destined to walk this planet alone, but because you were meant for something higher.
        Helen Keller once said "when one door of happiness closes, another opens; often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that had been opened for us."  That is soooo true, truer than I will ever know and because I stare so close at the closed door, wondering what went wrong, wondering what could have been prevented and wondering what could have been done that I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  But the thing is, there are things that don't happen for us because we weren't meant to have it, so we just have to live with that.  How can we ever live with the fact that something we always wanted just slipped right through our hands? By knowing that there is nothing that we can do or could have done, and we have to trust that everything is going to be all right in the end, that, though it may be hard to believe, there is something bigger and better out here meant for us.
        I'm not going to go into detail about the personal struggles that urged me to write this post, but what I can say is that it was a painful emotional rollercoaster that brought me to my knees.  I just can no longer live my life plagued by unnecessary stress and heartache, so I have become wiser.  Yea, I'm sad that things had to come to this, but I for once have to put myself and my feelings first.  I have to let go to get to a better place within me because only then will I realize my real worth and know I deserve better than someone that only wants to break me down.  Yes, I had met and fell in love with the type of person that wanted to break me down calling me out my name and controlling me. Do I have hostility? Yes.  Do I have sadness? Yes. Do I have resentment? Yes.  Do I wish that the reality of it wasn't reality? Hell yea, but this is all real, my eyes are open and I have to deal with that.  This is the struggle, these are the growing pains that I wish my little sister wouldn't have to go through, but how else will she become a better person without them?
        "Me, myself and I is all I got in the end that's what I found out. And there ain't no need to cry. I took a vow that from now on I'ma be my own best friend"--Beyonce...I remember singing that song with my classmates on the school bus when I was in elementary school, but it's funny that only when you grow up and live and learn that you finally realize what the hell you were singing.  There was another instance in the song where she says "me, myself and I. I know that I will never disappoint myself. I must have cried a thousand times. All my ladies if you feel me help me sing it out.  I can't regret all the time I spent with you; yea you hurt me, but I learned a lot along the way. After all the rain you'll see the sun come out again..." I FEEL YOU MY SISTAH! Those words could not been said more plain! I've cried, I've asked all the questions I needed to ask, I still have some anger built up inside of me by the way things ended with this guy, but you know, you can choose whether or not to be happy, he can't choose for me.  I choose to be happy and Blackness is going to help Blackness move forward because Blackness is the best friend I will ever have; I knows exactly what I need, I know exactly how I feel, I can relate to me better than anyone else can, and I damn sure can love myself better than anyone else can.  You know, I can take myself to low places, so I don't need anyone to help me...and more importantly, I can only get myself out of these low places.
         It really is me, myself and I, yeah I have my friends and family, but I'm with myself 24/7. I have to rely on my inner strength to get me through yet another tough break up, the toughest so far.  But one thing is for sure, I'm a lot stronger than the first break up I had in college, that break up set me up for handling this situation with flying colors...so I'm proud of how I am getting through this.  I did all my crying, and I'm at a point where he's not worth any tears and now I'm ready to move on without him.  So here I am and I'm ready to go!
Enjoy the video below by natural hair queen Taren Guy! It sparked something in me that's got me moving forward and I'm ain't gonna let nobody turn me 'round!

 

Peace

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise

You Gotta Let 'Em Know!

All Hale the Queen!!!!

                                         "You gotta let 'em know, you ain't a bitch or a hoe"
Honestly, real men will never call you out of your name, especially a man that claims that he loves you. It's sad, but many women are emotionally and verbally abused and don't even realize it.  But we have to unite and build up self-esteem, strong minds and take our dignity back.  No one should be made to have so much pain when love is suppose to be a special and delightful thing.  I took back my life and Blackness is on her way to something bigger and better.  I'm hurting and it's going to be process before I can be the best me that I can be, but you know, (this may sound super cliche) I can do bad by myself, I don't need anyone else to take me there.  So before I know it, I'll get to the morning that Dr. King was talking about, but it's going to be process; one that will be painful, beautiful and yet enlightening.  So....here I go!
But the last thing I want to say is that all my sistahs are queens, you are beautiful, you are worthy and don't you NEVER EVER let any man tell you differently.  If a man ever thinks less of you then he doesn't deserve your love, your tears or your time.  I'm going to practice what I preach for sure, it's going to take some real soul searching to get my through, but I'll make it.  So keep pushing on!

PEace