2011 In Review

I thought I would start this blog post by using a picture of Kathleen Cleaver...again.  I decided to go with this picture because I wanted to do something differently; I wanted to start the year off, not by stressing what I've been through in terms of pain, and uncontrollable joy, but I want to start things off by stressing who I wanted to become! And I want to become my own Kathleen Cleaver!  I love the attitude of Kathleen because she's the no nonsense type of sistah that can hold her own in a male dominated organization, and not just any organization, but the Black Panther Party!  Me and my good friend David is trying to start another Movement to restore our people to their former greatness, and we both share the ideals that the Panthers from back in the day had.  And we also share that passion!  David is already his own Bobby Seale, and I've been compared to Angela Davis, but I've sometimes felt guilty about that.  The reason why is because Angela Davis is this great woman that actually put her actions where he mouth was, she DID something about a problem she saw in this country! She was, and is, so VERY passionate about that cause and she is willing to die for that cause!  I share her same passion and vigor, but I feel as if I have done nothing to help the Black community!  I mean, I am VERY willing to go out and do something, but I always let my fears get the best of me, and I back down because I'm scared to SPEAK UP afraid of what people might think of me or what I say.  People tell me that they like the fact that I just don't sit around complaining about the problems in the Black community, but I actually do something.  That could be true, and I might just be selling myself short.  One of the things that David said that stayed on my mind is the fact that we need to give ourselves credit, and David definitely gives himself credit for the things that he's doing; he even told me that he KNOWS that what he's doing IS RIGHT, and he's absolutely right about that!  I guess I've been so scared that I would seem self centered, but being confident and SURE in what you are doing that you know no other way and you will work till the death of you to make sure that dream comes true is not being self-centered!  I bet Kathleen Cleaver knew that, and I'm going to have to say that to myself right here and right now!
"Blackness, what do you want to do?"

"I want to start a Revolution! I want to revolutionize the way Black people see this so called land of the free and home of the brave!  I want to work to advance my People! I want to educate my People! I want to provide resources for my People so that they may have the same opportunities as others! I want call out the oppressors that are trying to weaken us to oblivion!  I want to bring an awareness to the injustice that we face daily in the Black community!  Most importantly, I want to give POWER back to the People! Ya, dig?!"

"So I ask you this Blackness, and before you answer please take some time to REALLY think about it, but do you think what you want to do is right?"

"Do I think what I want to do is right? Do I think that there is absolutely nothing else that would give me the most satisfaction? Am I willing to die for this?  More importantly, am I willing to live for this?  So, do I think this is ABSOLUTELY positively right?..........HELL YEA I KNOW IT'S RIGHT! I wouldn't need to have life within me if I wasn't doing this!  And I intend to do this until the day that I die!"

This whole Movement is what is keeping me sane, and what has been keeping me sane since I had to experience the first break-up where I had deeply invested my feelings.  There are times when I feel as if I'm destined to walk this Earth without ever having to know of the pleasure of having some guy love me back, and there are times I try to except that explanation by talking about how I'm all in the Movement and might as well do it alone.  There are other times where I don't fall for that B.S. and I just desire to be with that guy that wants to advance out People just as much as I do.  So, I've really been on it because just thinking about the Movement and working on the Movement has helped me to forget about Andrew, though the damage is already done.
Now, it is time to review 2011 through the eyes of this young 18 year old Blackness that is a freshman at Howard University.
Going to prom and graduating from high school I gained memories that will live with me forever, and I don't regret a thing.  Sadly, though, I lost two friends, gained one of them back, and had the summer of my life with a boy I had just met!
Leaving for college, I finally got that independence I had been seeking for soooooo many years! Being independent really gave me the opportunity to do something about injustice and I got the chance to march for Troy Davis!  And I swear, marching for Troy Davis was the most satisfying thing I've experienced in recent memory! I also really got attached to someone without even realizing it till after dude broke up with me.  That was a low point.  I swear I had a million mental and emotional break downs till the point where I didn't do too well in school.  But the good thing that came out of this is that I got a chance to really look at myself and see who I was and what I wanted to be.  And now I'm changing for the better!  And I've found someone better, we're not together, but just communicating with him is a blessing!
What do I hope to get out of 2012:

1. I want to actually work to my fullest potential!
2. I want to start taking myself seriously, while also not being so hard on myself! I'm human! I deserve respect! I am a one of a kind girl!
3. I want to become a better public speaker! And become a better speaker period!
4. I want to have more confidence in myself and what I do!
5. I want to be more like Kathleen Cleaver and Angela Davis!
6. Want to hold my own on the issues, and around guys!
7. Eat healthier and workout more!

And that's what I want to hold myself to.  I always try not to have more than 10 of these so called New Years Resolutions.   But I will say, overall, 2011 was shitty, but I do intend to get better in 2012 because it is literally NOW OR NEVER!  I have to start to realize what I have, and that I am very special, and worth time!  I don't need Andrew or any other guy to tell me that!  With that being said "2012 HERE I COME!

Black Love Is Power!

You see these two on the left?  They were the epitome of Black love during the Black power movement, and they had something that I've been searching for for a long time!  I'm only 18 years old, but I've been so sure of what I want since I was younger, and being young has stopped me from being able to find what I've been looking for...in some cases.  See, when I look at Eldridge and Kathleen Cleaver, I know that what they had was real, what they fought for was real, and them standing together was a true testament to their love for each other.
I don't mean to bring this up again for the millionth time, but I have to get this off my chest before I can continue in the path that I am taking.  Now earlier this school year, I thought I was the luckiest girl in the world when I was dating the guy, whom I'll call Andrew.  When Andrew pursued me and showed me the type of respect that no guy had really ever showed me, I was on cloud 9!  I wasn't looking into where we would end up because I knew right then and there, I was TRULY happy!  It was just the little things that I had a chance to do with him that I didn't get a chance to do with other guys, you know, like holding hands,  that mattered to me that most.  Then there was a BIG milestone that the both of us got to experience with each other, and even though we barely talk now, I have no regrets.  After he broke up with me, for the longest time I had been immersed in a world of darkness and despair that could not compare to anything that I've ever felt before, and I swear I thought I was never going to get out of it no matter how hard I believed in morning.  I was holding on so tightly to the past that I didn't want to let go and face the fact that Andrew didn't want me anymore, and maybe he wanted someone else.  And I'm sad to say, after that romantic beginning, we are leading two separate lives without each other.  Recently, I have learned to let go of him and I've become more at peace with our situation since then.  But then there were a couple of people that came into my life as blessings in disguise, one of which I am most grateful for, and knowing him has made me realize what I need as opposed to what I want!
I have been letting these guys hold my self worth for wayyy to long, and I have been holding onto the thought that after Andrew there would be no one else for me out here in this big bad world!  And this is not true!  Though I haven't kinda sorta found that guy that will want to sacrifice time to be with me, and want to be there to support me, there is someone out there for me!  Like there is someone out there for everybody!  I have made at least two friends that care deeply about the advancement of our people just as much as I do, and I appreciate the fact that they LOVE my passion!  You know, this passion toward unifying the Black community has been something that I fall deeper and deeper into the lonelier I feel and I've just become so passionate about it!  When I was with Andrew, I kind of lost sight of this passion, but now I shall never forget!  Then here comes this guy I will call David.  He followed me on Twitter the day after my birthday, and he is AMAZING.  At first I didn't think we would have this chemistry, but every time I look at his revolutionary tweets, he would be reading my mind ALLL DAYYYY! Then not too long ago, he and I became very close as we began to communicate more, and eventually he asked for my number and we talked on the phone!  Talking to him, I get this warm feeling inside because I have a HUGE crush on him, and I'm hoping that we would be able to work something out seeing as though we are in two separate stages of life.  Though I really like this guy, just knowing him is a blessing in itself and it we were meant to be, we shall happen.
I just love it how we connect through our passion toward the advancement of our people, and I feel that he might feel some way about me, maybe even the same way, and only time will tell if he really feels that way.  But the reason why I decided to use Eldridge and Kathleen in this post is because David made a tweet stating that he feels as if he's Eldridge and he's going on this journey [to advance our people] with Kathleen, and more than likely, he was talking about me and boy was I blushing.  David has reminded me of what type of guy I want in my life, and how I badly need some guy to stimulate my mind if you catch my drift.  I'm tired of holding back my passion when I meet a brotha because I'm afraid he'll get annoyed and leave!  I want someone to debate with me, teach me, learn from me!  And that's what I get with David, but I don't want to get my hopes up because again, only time will tell how strongly he feels about me.  But for now, I'm beyond excited REALLY get to know him and begin this movement with him!  You know, I wanna love like Eldridge and Kathleen Cleaver. <3 And I won't stop until I find it.

PeACE

The Revolution Will Not Be Televised! It Will Be Blogged!

Ok, sigh, here I am about to start this blog post over for like the millionth time, and I think that this time I have finally found my inspiration.
This week was the first week of class, and it was truly a milestone for me because this was my first time in college!  So I'm here!  I have finally made it to the big time!  I am finally living the dream that I've had since I was that scared little girl that was ruthlessly bullied just because I was weak.  I can still feel that scared little girl inside of me because it is in my nature to be a bit timid, but here in college, I just have to stop that right HERE and right NOW!  It's going to be journey, but I WILL get through it because that's just who I am.
This past week that I have spent here on the Howard University campus was one of joy, excitement, anxiety, anticipation, and depression.  I really hold a lot of power in my hands, power that I really don't understand; power that I wish came with some kind of manual.  As a college student, and as someone that was pretty sheltered back home, I have the power to go where I please, when I please, and I have the power to mold my own image; the image that I want my fellow Bison to behold me in.  Though I really can't control what EVERYONE thinks of me, or how they see me, but what I can control is how I want to see me, and how I see myself will definitely be a factor in my happiness and my depression.  So far, I really have no idea how I see myself, actually, weird thing, I have two different images for myself: the reflection I see when I force myself to look in the mirror, and the way I think I look while I'm waking about campus, and let me tell you, the second image is so much better!
See, when I look at myself in the mirror, I just see this ordinary, scared girl that is too afraid to standout that she slides deeper and deeper into this dark force.  Not only is she scared, but she is also disappointed in herself for not fitting in with the youth of her generation, which is why she feels alone even when she's surrounded by loving family and friends.  While walking through campus, I image a strong-minded young woman that knows why she is at college, and acknowledges that she is walking in the footprints of a great legacy.  Then despite the fact that fashion seems to come into play a little too often, she will not conform because she is a REVOLUTIONARY just like those Howard students that took over the Administration building wayyyyy back in 1968!  She is on such another level that the people around her just seem like mere beings co-existing on the world with her.  I'm not saying she's conceited, she's just focused on doing what she has to do, and the fact that she could care less what the kids around her are saying or doing.  So this past week, I've been going back and forth with these images and I still am, but it really has not been fun.
When my family left me last Sunday, I didn't know what to do first because here I was in this large school with no other friend than my roommate, and now I can do whatever I want, and I had to be responsible.  So I hung out with my roommate and her friends for a minute until I realized that her friends were not really my type, so I was left to fend for myself and find a group that I could call my own.  When I finally found that group, which is still growing, I was surprised that not only were they just about the same group of people I would have hung out with in high school, but they were more outgoing and funny and fun, and I really enjoy their company.  Still, I just don't feel whole.  I want to be more outgoing, actually, I want to be a community leader!
I was saddened to see that one of the main things that a lot of people care about around here is, fashion!  I have always been a firm believer that the main thing that should be important when it comes to go going to class is PASSING THAT THERE CLASS, and when you were going out with friends or something, then fashion can come into play.  I mean, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look nice and presentable, but there is when it's over the top, and a lot of these girls are OVER THE TOP, when you're just going to class!  So, coming here I realized that I REALLY don't have to much to wear, but also, I don't need to dress up in anything more than a graphic-tee, and some skinny jeans!  So I feel I am making a statement there, but one thing I feel I am missing is my afro.  I miss my afro, and I bet that when I finally get it back, I will feel more powerful than ever!  I will feel just as powerful and fulfilled as those Howard students that protested the A Building wayyyy back in 1968!  I will feel as powerful as Kathleen Cleaver did when she spoke to her fellow brothas and sistahs!  I will even feel as powerful as Fred Hampton when he stood before his people and told them to repeat after him: "I AM...A REVOLUTIONARY!"  Walking this campus the other day made me realize that though my mother did do some years at college, I am starting my family legacy at square one, and I want my children to be proud of me.  I also want students of the school that I am going to create to be proud of me, and no matter if I am feeling the sting of heartbreak because some guy played with my love, or if I feel lonely because I'm in the wrong generation, nothing will ever be able to break my fulfillment once I receive my diploma from Howard University: The Black Harvard.
So, PEACE and Love
Blackness