The break up was just a few days ago, so I'm not being so hard on myself for feeling the way I do about it. I'm also not being hard on myself for still looking back and wondering what could have been different...a lot of things could have been. But the one thing I learned is not to divulge so much information about my past relationships or short lived casual dates as me telling him these things gave him the cards he needed. I have come to terms and realized that I never had his trust and never will have his trust; he knew that, though I didn't at the time, and he knew having all of his trust was something I wanted more than anything, so he used it as a way to control my life, as a way to have me please his requests and as a way to feed his ego trips. After talking to someone about him to see what they thought, they told me it was a red flag. I didn't want to think he could be like that, but Amazing Grace I was blind, but now I see!
I'm left alone to face the reality that I was never really loved by him, that the evil things he said about me to me and to the world was what he really thought about me this whole time. I spent so much time and money talking with someone I thought I could see a future with to just have him not value me the way I valued him. And I've had enough great examples in my life to know that someone calling me degrading names should NEVER EVER happen if there is Love there.
Now here I am in the process of really letting go. There are times I catch myself wanting to at least make things less hostile between us by reaching out, but what's the point? Things will never be the same, and if it was meant for us to at least have a friendship, it's something that can't be forced as it will naturally happen. If not, then that's the way things were meant to be.
My sistahs, remember that no matter what a man does, you are worthy of love, affection and so much more. See, relationships are two way streets, both people involved make mistakes, both people involved could have done something better. Sometimes there are things within yourself that need to be worked out, which is very true with me. At the same time, the guy I was with has problems of his own that he needs to fix in order to have a successful relationship. I'm using this opportunity to be with myself to do the diligent work I need to do to get through this time as well as for future relationships. I'm making a choice to take these necessary steps because I may be down, but I'm not out. I saw a quote that said "I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me, or I can choose to move on and leave it behind me." I'm making the conscious choice to leave it behind me. See, my sistahs, you have to get angry and you have to let that anger be the push to moving on. I'm angry that he didn't really Love me, but you know what, who can love me better than me? As I get myself right, my anger will turn into this motivation that will keep me moving forward and I know I can do this.
There are times where I catch myself wanting to prove his accusations wrong, to show him that everything he has said about me is completely untrue, completely the opposite of who I really am, but I've come to learn that I really need not obsess. What he thinks of me, or tells his friends is none of my business and shouldn't bother me and as long as I know who Blackness is, what other people think about me doesn't matter. And I'm going to take back my power. The last break up I had, I wouldn't allow myself to see a future without him as mine, but this time I'm allowing that to take place; I'm allowing myself to face reality and I'm not allowing myself to dwell on the past because this would have been the result regardless, it was just a matter of when; like Harold Melvin and the Blue Notes sang "if you don't know me by now, you will never never never know me." But I'm fortunate it happened now while I'm not in school, and I have enough time to get myself ready for when I do return.
To be honest, I'm pretty excited to be on my own again. There are people that are in your life for a reason or a season, and the mere fact there are people not moving forward with you shows that they weren't meant to; they were meant to show you something about yourself that you needed to see, but it's up to you to see it and do something about it. Trial and tribulation are painful things to go through, very painful, but I get out of them as always...it takes time, but I always do. It's because of trial and tribulation that I am a strong Black woman, a strong Black woman with a strong mind and no one can ever convince me that I am something that I'm not. Like India Arie said "I'm not your average girl from your video and I ain't built like a supermodel, but I learned to love myself unconditionally because I AM A QUEEN..." Paraphrasing Chrisette Michele's song "Blame It On Me," he can blame me for everything, tell everyone he meets, tell everyone that he doesn't even know that I'm this or that, that I did this and that, but you know what...I can say this loudly and proudly...I REALLY DON'T CARE BECAUSE I'M NOT CRYING ANYMORE! Just as long as it's over between us. I'm no quitter, but when something is unhealthy for you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually, you have to ask yourself some tough questions and put yourself before that unhealthy element. It's going to be painful in the beginning, there are times where it's going to be uplifting as well. There's a design to this madness, even the madness that makes you want to rip your own heart out so you no longer feel pain, but even that pain you feel is a blessing. I was blessed with this experience because I've always said I was going to work on me, but would get off focus. This was the nudge I needed, the wake up call I needed to really get started.
India Arie has another song where she says "get it together. You want to heal your body. Get it together. You have to heal your heart...The choice is yours no matter what it is. To choose life you choose to forgive. You don't have to try to hurt him or break his pride, just shake the weight off and you'll be ready to fly..." Revenge would be sweet, but even someone that really hurt you is not worth taking time to plot and ploy. Karma will handle it. So what I'm going to do is continue to do me, be me, Love me, appreciate me, trust me and live my life doing nothing but plotting to be successful, to be happy and to be even more of a Queen. Yea, the memory of this will always be there, just like all other memories, but it doesn't have to be the thing the rules my life, the thing that outshines my strengths and my strong mind. As she says in the song as well "no matter what anybody says, what matters most is what you think of yourself." I have to get to a better place where I'm 100% sure of my worthiness, but I'm very close, closer than I've ever been.
So here I go, on a journey, one that is going to be a continuous thing regardless, as long as there is life within me...the journey shall continue. I trust that everything will work out the way it was suppose to
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