Not too long ago, I heard of a phrase that has stuck with me ever since: you can choose to either be the river or the rock. This phrase repeats a concept that I am still getting the hang of and this concept is that in life, we HAVE choices. There is this whole question of free will that I won't get into today, but the thing is, life moves on whether we want it to or not. Since I can remember, it has been hard for me to let go of people who I had grown to hold fond memories with, but yet it was easy for them to take the scissors and cut me loose like I was those raggedy edges on the side of notebook paper. I found myself hanging on to something that was either never there or had just faded away, and hanging on made me so blind that it took me a while to see that I was hanging on alone. It hasn't been that long ago since I realized that you CANNOT force people to stay in your life if that is something that they DON'T want to do. At the same time, you DO NOT have to chase after people who WANT to stay in your life if that is something that they want to do. With that being said, it's been a trying process to come to terms with the fact that I can't control the weather, but I'm getting closer and closer each time.
You can call me stubborn if you like, but I love to hang on to things. I hang onto words, I hang onto memories, I hang on to rements of things that no longer exist or define my present. I mean, I don't think anyone likes letting go of things, but they just get better at dealing with it. More than anything, People have been the hardest thing on the list to let go because I love hard. I used to jump into the water with my eyes closed both feet in until I realized that once I opened my eyes, the waters had dried up and I was just left there to dig for more by myself. The worst part of it was that I was aware that that person had left me out to dry, but I still yearned to have them back thinking that things would be different if they gave me another chance. But after so many heartbreaks and heartaches, I finally told myself that I didn't want to feel that way anymore and that I was getting along pretty fine with what I had before they walked into my life in the first place.
Then there is this whole thing about trusting God and his will. I truly believe that he puts people into your life for a reason. His timing is also divine as well. From the very beginning I wonder what was the purpose that some particular person posed being present in my life and why were they in my life at that moment for that amount of time. God always shows me the answers, maybe not when I want him to, but they do become apparent. Life is about lessons as it is about living. Every pain and every joy comes with a moral of the story, and I have become the woman I am today because of it all. It's crazy too because at those moments in time, I thought that I'd never be happy again and I thought I'd never be able to go on without that person, but look at who I am have become; I am stronger and wiser, and those people that left me out to dry also brought me a gift that I cannot thank them enough for: the gift of insight. But I also believe and have seen that God has something bigger and better planned for me and even though at times, the people in my life can be as temporary as a rental car, they bring me happy memories that show me great insight into what could be in the future with someone who won't actually take me for granted.
As I am growing up, I am more and more determined to be my number one ally. I want to be the one I know I can come to for comfort when everyone else is busy or won't answer their phones; I am starting to be the one that believes in what makes me who I am and I am proud of that. Not too long ago, I used to blame myself for failed relationships or potential relationships, but today I know what I can bring to the table, how lucky someone would be to have me and now I'm just waiting on that one person that can't get enough of me. My tolerance level for cowardice and plain ole unconcern for my feeling is growing lower, and my insight onto what I do deserve is growing higher. With that being said, I guess it's safe to say that I love myself enough not to settle for anything less. I mean, when people show you who they truly are the first time, you should believe it. So at that first instance you show me something pecular, I take a mental note, but you get cut off if it happens again. I used to chase after people because I didn't want to believe that the ugly faces they showed me were real and I thought it was my fault that they looked that way, but they were like that loooong before I came into the picture. You can't change people or their feelings or anything else, they are who they are and they can only facilitate in their own growth because they choose whether or not they learn from life.
Yet, it doesn't become any easier to deal with the beginning of moving on without someone you thought would be moving with you. At first I analyze and wonder what it was that could have happened. I sometimes turn to old habits and blame myself. But I have begun to see how ugly that other person looks as they seemingly fade out someone who has all of these great things to bring to the table. In the beginning I try to resist it thinking that there is something that I can do to change the tides, but it's all the more painful to feel the river crashing against me. And whether I like it or not, the river will keep running, but I have the choice as to whether or not I will run with the river or let it run up against me. And you know, I used to believe that if I could wait for the perfect time to just analyze everything, things will be easier. But as my teacher said today: "if you try to wait for the perfect storm, you will not move forward." And that's always been my excuse. Let me just wait until this time, on this day blah blah blah and I will get it together, but I end up putting it off. But not anymore because today....I CHOOSE to be the RIVER! I want to be happy, but the only way to make things better is to DO things better and in a different way...and to stay with it even on cloudy days. I'm done waiting on a perfect storm to come to make me feel confident in my decisions and happy as I always strive to be, I want all of that stuff TODAY! But things are not going to be easier as time goes on, but I will get better at it. You'll see!
No comments:
Post a Comment